3 Myths About Masculinity in Relationships

Have you ever heard the idea that in order to attract women and be successful in a relationship, that you need to get in touch with your masculine energy (Maybe you’ve heard that from yours truly)?

Well, this is definitely true; many men end up in the friend zone or in sexually unfulfilling relationships because they are uncomfortable with their own masculinity.

That being said, I’ve also seen way too many men screw up their relationships because they can take certain beliefs about being masculine to the extreme.

Even men who understand masculinity don’t always understand women (go figure!). :)

Here are 3 common beliefs that many men hold about what it means to “be a real man” that are actually killing their relationships and ability to attract women.

Whether you’re well-versed in the study of masculinity or not, if you would like to create a happy, healthy, and drama-free relationship with a woman, then read on…

Masculinity Myth #1: You Don’t Need or Want Anything From Her

Oh man, if only I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a (usually male) dating coach say that “a woman wants to know that you don’t need or want anything from her.” Yes, because there is nothing I find sexier than feeling like I am completely useless and irrelevant to the man I love.

Ok, Ok, I know, there are some women out there with low self-esteem who fall for this hard-to-please bit by opening their legs in the hopes that the man will reward them a stamp of approval (Most women are totally useless to me, but you gave me a moment of pleasure. Here’s your gold star, honey.).

However, if this is not the relationship dynamic you’re looking for, then you will have to learn to include your woman in your daily life’s struggles.

While your woman does want to know that you can take care of yourself, she also wants to know that she can take care of you.

There are times when I see that my man is stressed and overwhelmed, and, when I offer to help him, or make him lunch, or rub his neck, he will sometimes respond with, “No, I’m fine.” Have you ever had a woman tell you that she’s “fine” when you know she’s not? Yeah, it’s pretty annoying when you guys do it too. :)

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen a lot of men make is that they take on the attitude that they have to be the provider, the protector, they must go it alone and take care of everything themselves.

That’s fine…if you want to go it alone and be by yourself. But if you want a relationship, then you are going to have to let your woman in.

You might think you are doing her a favor by “being the man and taking care of things,” but most of the time this attitude just shuts your woman out. It can also eat away at her self-esteem (which can eat away at her sex drive) if she thinks that you think that she is useless and incapable.

If you keep reminding your woman that you don’t need her, you are not demonstrating to her that you’re independent; you are demonstrating to her that she’s irrelevant.

Your woman wants to know that she is wanted, needed, loved, and appreciated. If you don’t express this to her, she will find another man who will.

2. You Must Remain A Grounded, Unmovable Statue During Her Emotional Storms

Many men believe that the way to handle a woman’s “emotional storms” is to stay calm, stoic, and rational.

Most of the time, if you do this, you will probably make the storm worse. Why? Because if a woman is storming at you (ie, nagging, nit-picking, yelling, screaming, crying, etc.), it’s because she is trying to move you.

The more you remain unmovable, the harder she will try. Maybe she will succeed and maybe she won’t, but that’s not the point.

I’m not saying that you should become an irrational, emotional mess, but you do need to express yourself authentically. If you grit your teeth and try not to show your anger because you are trying to be “the rational one,” then you are competing with your woman.

But she isn’t competing with you. She is trying to connect with you. I know that sounds crazy, but an emotional storm isn’t rational. It’s often a cry for attention. You can give her attention, affection, and love–without losing your cool.

3. You Must Choose Your Life’s Purpose Over The Relationship

It’s true that if you constantly choose your relationship over your life’s purpose, your woman will lose respect for you. If you neglect your work, your friends, your health, and your life to follow her every whim, you have become a doormat.

Thus, you must always put your woman last…so that she knows her place?

I dated a man who bought into this myth, and it is a miserable experience to constantly be in “last place” in his list of priorities. Even though there weren’t any other women in his life (he could barely make time for one!), I was still insanely jealous–jealous of his work, his workout routine, and pretty much anything that he spent time on besides me.

Oh, and by the way, I didn’t respect him–at all.

If you want a woman’s respect and support, then you need to learn to have balance in your life, making her, your friends, your alone time, your work, and your health routine all equally important–all equally taken care of.

If you were going through a rough patch at your work, you would probably skip working out or going out to get things at work back on track. The same should be true when you go through a rough patch with your woman.

I hope you know that a good woman wants to support you, take care of you, and keep things drama-free just as much as you do. Women are not inherently irrational, drama-generating creatures by nature–we are human beings who also want to be respected, loved, appreciated, and included.

Comments

  1. In other word(s): BALLANCE is the key! 
    Thank you, Liz, for reminding this again to us men!
    Kisses!

  2. Thanks, Liz.  It’s funny, I’ve *tried* to buy into these masculinity myths in the past because I read somewhere that they *worked*…ha!  Not only weren’t they congruent at all with me–they didn’t have any kind of intended effect.  Just me trying to act out a part is what happened.  And the first time that any situation didn’t fit into the cliche I didn’t know what to do.  Thanks for the reminder!

  3. Liz,

    would you say though that these things are more relevant deeper in a relationship, rather than early on. Especially in initial approach times?

    SDK

    • Anonymous says:

      Skwadim, even though the examples apply more to established relationships, the principles apply to all stages of interacting with women.

      • Hmm, I guess it’s not fully clear, for example how a woman expresses the sentiment of

        “While your woman does want to know that you can take care of yourself, she also wants to know that she can take care of you”

        in an initial approach situation.

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