3 Ways That (Well-Intentioned) Men Creep Women Out

Nobody wants to be the creepy guy. The funny thing is, though, the guys who are afraid of being a creep are usually NOT creeps at all; true creeps are unaware of how creepy they are.

Even well-intentioned guys end up creeping women out sometimes. Ironically, this can be more true for guys who have studied social dynamics, masculine energy, and how to make authentic connections. Why? Because those guys have lost their shyness and social reserve, and sometimes in the process they lose their sense of others’ social boundaries as well.

Wherever you are on your path to becoming the kind of man that women want to date, here are 3 things you want to avoid, because no matter how well-intentioned you are, it will probably repel the women that you interact with.

1. Getting Sloppy Drunk

Yeah, I know, seems obvious…but I know lots of people who need a few shots of social lubricant to loosen things up. If you need alcohol or other *fun* substances to get comfortable chatting with women, then that’s a sign that you still have some social anxieties to let go of.

I’ve been in several situations where a guy thought he was hitting on me but he was actually just slurring near me. A couple of times I’ve actually approached guys I thought were hot–only to leave again as soon as I realized that they were too many sheets to the wind to have any kind of real conversation (you know, the kind of conversation where a woman gives you her phone number at the end of it?).

Now, I love me some adult beverages, but I know that the best way to make connections–especially those of the flirty kind–is to keep things in moderation. Getting sloppy drunk just makes you, well, sloppy.

2. Forcing a Deeper Connection

This is the quintessential pushy guy; he acts like just because he wants to connect with a woman deeper, so should she.

These are the guys who walk up to a woman, stare deep into her eyes, and ask her what her ‘story’ is, or what her deepest life’s passions are. Why the heck should she tell you?

Now some guys are just natural born creeps like this.

But most of the guys who do this kind of creepy behavior are products of the personal development mill.

Don’t get me wrong; I am a huge advocate for anyone–man or woman–who reads books, attends seminars, and gets coaching to overcome fears and walls and learn how to connect on a deeper, more authentic level with fellow human beings.

Some of these guys, though, forget that not everyone has gone through 20 weekend bootcamps on how to breathe through your fears and embrace your authentic self. Just as there was once a level of connection that you couldn’t handle, it’s likely that that cute girl at the coffee shop has some social walls of her own. And she probably isn’t going to overcome them in that moment with a guy she doesn’t know just because you stare deeply into her eyes.

(A friend of mine actually has a nickname for this: the ‘workshop stare,’ because only people who have been to several workshops stare at you this intensely).

I’ve had many guys approach me with the assumption that we should have a deep connection, and it’s always a turn off. Usually when I try to politely back my way out of the conversation, they give me a speech about how I should “learn to open up.” What they don’t get is that there is a difference between a woman who can’t open up at all and a woman who doesn’t completely open up 30 seconds after you walk up to her.

The important thing to remember is that she doesn’t know you. It doesn’t matter what skills you’ve learned; you can’t force a connection with someone. It would be nice if human beings were all enlightened enough to share openly and connect authentically with each other everywhere we went. But that’s not reality, and a woman you just met isn’t going to open up to you just because you believe that she (or *people*) should be more open.

Besides, there’s a word for the kind of woman who is *open* with every guy she meets. 🙂

Other ways in which this kind of creepy behaviors manifests include: trying to have a deep, profound conversation when everyone else is joking around and having fun, sharing intimate details from your life before there’s an established connection, and getting too physically close too soon (a.k.a. the close talker).

When you’ve just met a woman, keep things light and casual. There will be plenty of time to let the connection get deeper and deeper as things evolve.

3. Constantly Trying to Get Her Back to Your Place

I met a guy at a bar years ago and we left together to take a walk around the (very public) neighborhood. Suddenly he turned down a side street and said, “Oh, my place is right there.” When I said I wasn’t comfortable with that, he insisted, saying that he was too tired to go back to the bar or walk anywhere else. Of course, once I bid him goodnight to go home and get some sleep, he suddenly found more energy again. Then it was that he had really good bottle of wine in his kitchen, he wanted me to listen to some really good music he owned, and I just had to meet his puppy.

A woman can be very attracted to you and not want to have sex with you right then. Some women are cool with one night stands, but if a woman isn’t comfortable with it, don’t completely kill your chances of sleeping with her at all just because you can’t have it NOW. I liked this guy a lot–why do you think I took a walk with him? Because I wanted to go somewhere where we could kiss! But instead of kissing me, he killed the attraction by becoming hyper focused on getting me into his house, and ended up getting nothing.

A man who is doing everything he can to get a woman back to his place reeks of desperation. A sign of a confident, secure man is one who doesn’t need to get laid this instant.

The PUA community is rampant with techniques on how to get her home immediately. Why? Because women have so much “resistance” in this area. Rather than trying to battle all that “I-just-met-you” resistance, why not take a couple of dates to get to know her and then invite her back to your house. Once she’s gotten to know you–and knows she can trust you–you won’t have to convince her with talk of wine and cute puppies to take her home.

Remember, if you’re not acting like a creep, then you’re setting yourself apart from all the other guys who are. Women notice that–even from across the room sometimes. 🙂

Comments

  1. Jodykwik says:

    Once again, great article Liz. Thanks!

  2. Hey guys it often or more than often returns to the basics of human interaction. Its called comfort and trust. This includes us guys as well. I’m not a young guy and thats great because I have decades of dating and romance under my belt sort of speak. Imagine, as I have, if a woman you met or were out with on a first date turned the tables on YOU and did the kind of strategies YOU are playing on her, how would you react? (Oh deep applauding going on here now, no,you wouldn’t. Most guys would turn tail and run.) I did and have still. Its called shared humanity.Two people, facing each other for the first time, alone and captivated in the moment…she is a human being, alive with dreams, fears, resentments, hopes and passions. Your job guys is to delve into her and bring those out to the surface and play and explore them with her. Or at least in the beginning.

  3. Hey Liz,

    Great post. I think the big difficulty is knowing how to be ‘upfront’ and ‘unafraid’ of one’s sexual interest without coming across as ‘creepy’.

    Another question – have you known any physically attractive men that are ‘creepy’ ?

    • Anonymous says:

      Plenty of physically attractive men can be creepy! Looks have nothing to do
      with the creepy factor.

      Usually, creepiness is a result of not being up front or direct enough, but
      still being obvious in your intentions, thus making things awkward.

  4. About this line:

    “But instead of kissing me, he killed the attraction by becoming hyper focused on getting me into his house, and ended up getting nothing.”

    How is he (or anyone) supposed to know that though? not the fact that you weren’t interested in coming over [I think that wouldve been obvious] but the fact that you were interested in being kissed?

  5.  Feel the fear…and face the loathing.

  6. Thank you Liz, in my opinion your article is very teaching/toutching, very sharp and powerfull, a lesson for every guy creepy or non creepy.

  7. MikeElam23 says:

    Liz,

    I agree with EVERYTHING you said about being perceived as “creepy”. All of these things I can GENUINELY see why they would “creep” a woman out, BUT at the same time, I hate to generalize, but women in general tend to use that label “creep” and/or creepy very inappropriately, invalidly. 

    http://www.examiner.com/article/columnist-feels-that-many-women-use-the-term-creepy-excessively-and-invalidly

    ^ This article basically explains how i feel, and i’m sure a lot of other men would feel about that word. I guess at the end of the day it’s a subjective label similar to calling a woman a “slut” or “whore”, and it’s probably not going to go anywhere anytime soon…..

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