Many men study strategies and tactics to approaching women that would make hostage negotiators jealous. These men (usually pick-up artists) often talk about women as highly emotional, fickle, ADD creatures who, without the proper finesse, are easily spooked into the arms of a smoother, suaver man.
As a result, there are entire books, websites, forums, etc. dedicated just to approaching women. This is overkill, and will only make things complicated–so complicated that you will probably be nervous even if you used to be comfortable approaching.
Approaching is easy. Let me say that again: approaching women is easy.
And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m a woman and I don’t know what it’s like. I’m saying that because I’m a woman and I can tell you that we want to be approached. Without it being overcomplicated.
By the way, approach isn’t just for when you want to meet a woman for the first time. Once you’re in a relationship, you still need to know how to “approach” your woman when you want to flirt and turn her on.
Many men get rejected when they approach because they over complicate things, but approaching is as easy as…
1. Make Eye Contact
3. Break the Ice
Let’s go over each of these in more detail:
1. Make Eye Contact
Whether it’s your girlfriend or a sexy woman you just spotted across a crowded room, it’s very important to make eye contact before you approach.
The reason why most men think that they need to pull out all the stops to get and keep a woman’s attention is because most men don’t do this first step. They interrupt women who have their attention elsewhere (in conversation with someone else, for example).
Well, just as you don’t like to be interrupted, neither do we.
One of the best analogies for this is the “clipboard people.” These are people who position themselves on street corners and outside of grocery stores and, as you walk by, step in front of you and ask you if you want to help the homeless/save the whales/send medicine to kids in Africa dying of AIDS. Most of us have a gut reaction of “no,” not because we don’t care about sick children, but because of the interruption.
By making eye contact, you are seeing if your approach is welcome or not. Women often approach you with their eyes. If you look at a woman, and she looks at you, that is actually the first part of the approach. Now you are in her awareness.
Again, this is true even when it’s your girlfriend. If she’s on the computer, or doing dishes, or changing out of her work clothes, don’t just walk up to her and put your hands on her boobs. Make eye contact to see if she’s noticing you, too, or if she’s really focused on other things (we women get focused on single-tasks too!).
When you make eye contact, you are looking for a green light, which brings me to…
Smile at her and see if she smiles back. If she caught your gaze by accident and doesn’t really want your attention, she will likely look away without smiling.
If you smile and she smiles, this means she has noticed you noticing her, and she is pleased about it.
Let’s go back to the clipboard analogy; imagine you see someone standing under a banner that says, “Help the Homeless–Donate Now.” You make eye contact with him, he smiles, and you smile back. Now it’s not as weird or invasive if he approaches you with a clipboard as it would have been if he had just interrupted you.
Again, the eye contact and the smile of acknowledgement are essential. Don’t approach until you have these. If she’s not noticing you right now, there’s a reason for that.
3. Break the Ice
Now you can go over and break the ice. The “ice-breaker” serves one function: to break the ice. Keep it really simple.
Comment on the event, the surroundings, or pay her a compliment. I’ve had many students tell me that compliments work the best for them as ice-breakers. I’ve also noticed that this is how I break the ice when I attend women’s networking events where I don’t already know anyone. We women love compliments, so this is a great way to warm us up!
Don’t worry about sounding cheesy or stupid; remember, you have already made eye contact and gotten the green light in the form of a smile. The ice breaker is just what starts the conversation.
It’s during the conversation that you will build up the attraction. While it’s possible, it’s unlikely that you will create attraction through the approach alone. The approach is an invitation to flirt, not the entire flirtation.
The invitation is made through eye contact, smiling, and breaking the ice. You are inviting her to “co-create attraction” with you, and she is saying yes. That doesn’t mean there is attraction; that means she wants there to be. Approach is just the beginning.