Approach is As Easy As…

Many men study strategies and tactics to approaching women that would make hostage negotiators jealous. These men (usually pick-up artists) often talk about women as highly emotional, fickle, ADD creatures who, without the proper finesse, are easily spooked into the arms of a smoother, suaver man.

As a result, there are entire books, websites, forums, etc. dedicated just to approaching women. This is overkill, and will only make things complicated–so complicated that you will probably be nervous even if you used to be comfortable approaching.

Approaching is easy. Let me say that again: approaching women is easy.

And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m a woman and I don’t know what it’s like. I’m saying that because I’m a woman and I can tell you that we want to be approached. Without it being overcomplicated.

By the way, approach isn’t just for when you want to meet a woman for the first time. Once you’re in a relationship, you still need to know how to “approach” your woman when you want to flirt and turn her on.

Many men get rejected when they approach because they over complicate things, but approaching is as easy as…
1. Make Eye Contact
2. Smile
3. Break the Ice

Let’s go over each of these in more detail:

1. Make Eye Contact
Whether it’s your girlfriend or a sexy woman you just spotted across a crowded room, it’s very important to make eye contact before you approach.

The reason why most men think that they need to pull out all the stops to get and keep a woman’s attention is because most men don’t do this first step. They interrupt women who have their attention elsewhere (in conversation with someone else, for example).

Well, just as you don’t like to be interrupted, neither do we.

One of the best analogies for this is the “clipboard people.” These are people who position themselves on street corners and outside of grocery stores and, as you walk by, step in front of you and ask you if you want to help the homeless/save the whales/send medicine to kids in Africa dying of AIDS. Most of us have a gut reaction of “no,” not because we don’t care about sick children, but because of the interruption.

By making eye contact, you are seeing if your approach is welcome or not. Women often approach you with their eyes. If you look at a woman, and she looks at you, that is actually the first part of the approach. Now you are in her awareness.

Again, this is true even when it’s your girlfriend. If she’s on the computer, or doing dishes, or changing out of her work clothes, don’t just walk up to her and put your hands on her boobs. Make eye contact to see if she’s noticing you, too, or if she’s really focused on other things (we women get focused on single-tasks too!).

When you make eye contact, you are looking for a green light, which brings me to…

2. Smile
Smile at her and see if she smiles back. If she caught your gaze by accident and doesn’t really want your attention, she will likely look away without smiling.

If you smile and she smiles, this means she has noticed you noticing her, and she is pleased about it.

Let’s go back to the clipboard analogy; imagine you see someone standing under a banner that says, “Help the Homeless–Donate Now.” You make eye contact with him, he smiles, and you smile back. Now it’s not as weird or invasive if he approaches you with a clipboard as it would have been if he had just interrupted you.

Again, the eye contact and the smile of acknowledgement are essential. Don’t approach until you have these. If she’s not noticing you right now, there’s a reason for that.

3. Break the Ice
Now you can go over and break the ice. The “ice-breaker” serves one function: to break the ice. Keep it really simple.

Comment on the event, the surroundings, or pay her a compliment. I’ve had many students tell me that compliments work the best for them as ice-breakers. I’ve also noticed that this is how I break the ice when I attend women’s networking events where I don’t already know anyone. We women love compliments, so this is a great way to warm us up!

Don’t worry about sounding cheesy or stupid; remember, you have already made eye contact and gotten the green light in the form of a smile. The ice breaker is just what starts the conversation.

It’s during the conversation that you will build up the attraction. While it’s possible, it’s unlikely that you will create attraction through the approach alone. The approach is an invitation to flirt, not the entire flirtation.

The invitation is made through eye contact, smiling, and breaking the ice. You are inviting her to “co-create attraction” with you, and she is saying yes. That doesn’t mean there is attraction; that means she wants there to be. Approach is just the beginning.


  1. Liz, I just became more aware of the fact that I am good at the first two steps but fail to ignite the third step so many times. I think its my previous idea that if I got the first two steps down that the third step held so much potential for a lack luster response that I would not take it out of fear.  I had the idea that the first two steps where not part of a very dynamic equation and necessary to ensure greater success in the whole approach, but then I’m being very much in my head right now.


    • Conrad! You’re totally on the right track. Liz’s steps are gold, at least in my personal experience. It sounds like you’ve got the first 2 down, and now are onto the 3rd. Good for you!

      If you’d like a different set of steps, that are for me, even more effective, but also require More Energy it’s…1. Develop a burning desire to Know Your Life Purpose.2. Have faith that you’ll succeed and become heroically attractive.3. Watch women come and present themselves to you.

      Seriously, the first two steps are so monumentally powerful, and they are the recipe for all the world’s attractive celebrities and success stories. They started out as regular people, got clear on who they are and what they stand for, and they shine into the world.

      I know it’s easier said than done… but it is certainly available and attainable.

  2. It is cool, Liz.  This is the most practical, and effective, info I’ve read on this.  And because the steps are simple (although sometimes not easy, but that’s another story) I can remember in the creative and sometimes stressful pace of things.  Great article!  Thanks.

  3. As usual Liz, straight-shootin’ gold advice, that’s so natural it’s almost funny 😀

    “Approaching is easy. Let me say that again: approaching women is easy.”


    Approaching is easy. This is a powerful, true, and for some reason, very rarely said.

    When I was young I was so manipulative, using my high intellect to ‘backhandedly’ approach. As I matured, I turned my skills towards being authentic, being myself. It’s effortless approach that feels…

    …well, it feels like no approach at all, but it works wonders.

    A story from tonight:

    Tonight I was in a restaurant working with Arthur on reaching his authentic brand, and there were 2 playful chicks in the corner, and they just kept eyeing us, giggling, etc.

    Everyone else left the restaurant but Arthur and I stayed, and so did the women.

    Eventually I wrapped up our night and as soon as I stood, the women did as well.

    They were staying there because me and Arthur were “in the zone”, being ourselves, and I guarantee if I felt like approaching them, it would’ve been just as easy as you outlined.

    Eye contact, smile, and say hi. Done 🙂

    • Jason, thanks for sharing that story. That is pretty much exactly how it works!

      For those who might be thinking, “Yeah, but that never happens to me,” Remember that Attraction is something that you DO. Anyone can “do” what makes others notice (or not).

      • Yep, it “never happened to me either”, I was “just a regular guy”, but when I focused on my vision, my values, what I stand for, and I let all agendas and desires for women go…

        …all kinds of good things, sex-related and otherwise, started to happen.

        The most challenging part was in the beginning, but once you’re on… you’re on. 🙂

  4. Harrisonlubega says:

    Africa women are very wild. If you try to approach her, she will make sure that she disconnects you

  5. Itawfiq786 says:

    wow !, such simple yet effective way. I always miss out the eye contact for some reason i am glad you made me aware of that .


  6. “And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m a woman and I don’t know what it’s like. I’m saying that because I’m a woman and I can tell you that we want to be approached. Without it being overcomplicated.”

    Well, those two points aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Approaching *IS* easier when you’re on the receiving end, I think that point is pretty much non-contestable.. and while a woman may have an idea what it’s like to approach, they don’t know what it’s like living in a society that *commands* you to approach and makes you feel like S#$( if you don’t. 

    And I think all people want to be approached, men and women. The number of times it’s happened to me, over say, 10 yrs, I can count on one hand. But each of those times, I absolutely loved the experience (when it was someone I was attracted to). I believe the guys that say they don’t want to be approached (although I haven’t met any) say that not because they don’t enjoy the experience of being approached, but they’ve been over-socialized to believe the “manly” thing to do is approach themselves.

    ” I’ve never been rejected by a woman who smiled to me after I smiled to her. I might not have gotten her number, but I’ve never gotten cold treatment”
    Well, not to sound like a party-pooper, but duh. obviously if she gives you a genuine smile (and not a curt, dismissive smile, which is an outcome the same as her looking away) it won’t follow with cold treatment.

    I think the toughest part here is to actually smile genuinely, or worrying about what kind of smile to offer, the goofy smile, the ‘I want to bang your brains tonight smile’, what kind of smile?

  7. Itsaboy1000 says:

    If I go to coffee shop , I see people wait in line and there will be no eye contact, especially young women waiting in line. when ever they see a guys waiting in line with them, they start to play “hard to get” head tell me how do I know she will be right person. How do I pick( sorry to use this word) the right women out of this.

    • Anonymous says:

      I suggest not going after a woman who is playing a hard to get head game (if that’s what she’s doing). Why date a woman who plays games?

      Furthermore, a woman who is single and *looking* has a constant radar for potential mates. If a woman is not making eye contact, then either she isn’t looking or she doesn’t see you as a potential mate. This is true even in busy places like a Starbucks, although you will have better luck in more casual environments, like a book store or even a bar, where the women are less likely to be in a hurry and have more time to flirt.

  8. Liz,

    I know you didn’t mean it this way, but just a comment, saying “approaching is easy” can come off as slightly insulting – at least initially, especially for people who’ve struggled for years trying to do it.

    Especially from someone who’s not “required” to do it- Yes, I get it, there’s no *rule* that says men have to approach. Although I think you’d admit that a guy is immensely helped if he does do it, right? ie it helps him gets what he wants much moreso than say teaching a woman to approach- Otherwise why even have a post geared for guys to help them become more comfortable with approach?

    Just a thought-

  9. The “Wait for eye contact, it’s crucial” thing is BS. If you wait for eye contact, well, you might wait forever. It puts you in a passive mode where you’re just waiting for women to look at you and it might never happen. Doesn’t happen to me. Also, there’s a difference between a beggar asking someone for money and a guy introducing himself to a girl to talk.

    So yeah. If she makes eye contact, that’s great. If not, go talk to her anyway. I can’t constantly look at all the attractive girls in my vicinity. So eye contact is good if you have it, it’s not a red light if it’s not there.

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