Are You Doing All the Work?

Recently quite a few of you–clients and readers alike–have been asking me the same question: “Aren’t women responsible for some of the stuff that happens in dating, too?”

Yes. 🙂

More and more, I’m realizing that many men still don’t realize what the woman’s side of the equation is supposed to look like. Most men believe that it’s their “job” to approach, come up with all kinds of clever things to say, get her number, call her, plan the date, and depending on who you ask, pay for things. Meanwhile, she just gets to sit there on her throne of judgment, looking pretty, determining whether or not you are worthy of her attention, time, and pussy.

Now most men who have learned a few things know that they shouldn’t put up with cold shoulders or “bad behavior.” But they do it anyway, because even if you avoid it or slyly manipulate her out of it with a sneaky tactic, you’re still operating under the assumption that this is how women are. And…you’re still doing all the work.

If you believe that you have to do all the work in picking up women, or dating, or a relationship, then not only will you miss out on potential dates in the moment, but you will eventually find yourself bitter towards women (if you’re not there already!), thus killing your dating life long-term. Or at least, until said bitterness can be resolved.

It is not the man’s job to do all the work. Actually, it’s not your “job” to do anything. Discussion of masculine and feminine dynamics is for understanding what is already present, NOT to assign gender roles. It is not empowering to believe, “Well, I’m the man, so I have do X…” when you think of X as a huge pain-in-the-neck.

You should never be doing all the work. For everything that is your “part” in the process, she has a part in it too. Her part is often more subtle, so it’s worth pointing out the differences between the “yin” side of the equation and a woman who is, in fact, expecting you to do all the work.

1. Approach

Most guys approach any woman they think is hot, even if she’s deep in a good book, deep in conversation with a friend, or in a hurry running errands. When you interrupt a woman who hadn’t noticed you, it’s a lot more work than if you relax and let her approach you, first.

She probably won’t literally approach you. She will approach you with her eyes. Women give men signals, like eye contact and smiles, that they want to be approached.

This is an invitation. When you have an invitation, then you are no longer doing all the work in approaching her, because you don’t have to “open” her. She is already open to your approach.

Now you might be thinking, oh, eye contact, big deal. Well, when you look at a guy and smile and he looks away or rolls his eyes at you or turns his back, it IS a big deal. That’s her getting rejected, and it stings. So while you might not realize it, both men and women are “putting it out there” for the other person to either reject or receive.

2. Conversation

There are some books on pick-up that portray women as vapid creatures who need constant entertainment and if you don’t deliver, she will get bored and wander to another guy.

Ok, if you do meet a girl like that, let her wander. A conversation is a two-way street. If she’s bored, it’s probably not because you are boring–it’s because she is!

But most women don’t flip through men like flipping through channels looking for something good to watch on TV. A woman who is doing her part will be participating in the conversation, asking you questions, and if she is bored with the topic, then she will change the topic, not change the guy she’s talking to.

That’s not to say that conversation skills can’t be developed (see Conversation & Connection Skills). That’s to say that part of developing conversation skills is knowing when to quit because the other person isn’t engaging.

When you can’t think of what to say next, if she likes you, she’ll be working just as hard as you are to fill the silences and keep things going.

3. Making the Date Fun

It’s true that you will have a much better chance of having a successful date if you plan things and let her come along for the ride: that sets up the yang and yin dynamic in your favor (which is a fancy way of saying she will find you more attractive).

But once she’s on that ride, she can either marvel at the sites or whine about the wind in her hair–and THAT is on her, not you.

Think of it this way: let’s say you host a party at your place. You get the best drinks, a variety of appetizers, and kick-ass music. Everything looks great.

Now, what if your guests came in and flopped on the couch and said, “Ok, give us a party. This is boring.” What can you do about that? You can offer different drinks, different food, different music, different activities…or you can just realize that if they want to enjoy the party, they need to participate!

The masculine leads, but if the feminine doesn’t follow him, he doesn’t double back and carry her on his shoulders. He leaves her be. He lets her know, “Well, here’s the party. Here are the drinks, here’s the food, and here’s the music. It’s up to you if you want to stay and have fun…or go home.”

Even though you did set up the party, you are not doing all the work to make the party happen. A party is a good party when everyone shows up, participates, and has a great time–you included.

So, if you’ve been doing all the work, it’s time to lean back and let her participate. Next time you are interacting with a woman, look to see if she is doing her part. Dating is a dynamic give and take that is meant to be pleasurable for everyone involved. 🙂


  1. Anonymous says:

    I really like this, it really makes alot of sense. I personally have no problem doing the approaching part because in my experience i rarely receive eye contact(or maybe i don’t notice it) and if i was to wait to receive eye contact, then i might be waiting awhile. I feel you on the conversation and making the date fun part, especially the conversation part. Conversation is a two way street, if person is doing all the engaging, and another person is giving one word answers and being cold, then that’s on her. That’s not to say i don’t wanna improve my conversation/communicating skills, but just to say she should engage too. Liz, what about when it comes to sex? Is it a man’s responsibility to do all the work when it comes to bringing a woman to orgasm? I find that the sex part,i experience alot of anxiety,because i’m not experienced in that area, and most women if they choose to have sex(this just the impression i get, i can’t say if it’s true or not) will basically just lay there and expect you to do everything as well.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Yes. I focused on 3 aspects of dating here, but everything you suggested–saying ‘hi,’ kino, and even being the one to approach– are all fair game for her as well as you.

    • Sure, I agree, in theory they’re fair game.

      but I don’t know how practical it is for a guy to wait for something like that to happen. Where as for a woman, it seems far more practical and possible for her to be more passive (or subtly aggressive)

      • Skwadim, I used to send women running before I even said hello. After my breakthrough with Liz, I got approached by all kinds of women, without saying a word to them. And they approached me exactly the way Liz said – with their eyes. If that isn’t happening for you, all it means is you need to learn something.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thanks! Glad this was helpful!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Dude, remember the part about how these kinds of beliefs make you bitter, thus killing your dating life? Of course, if your current attitude is attracting droves of quality women into your bed, then by all means keep it up!

    • Liz,

      I agree with your point, but I can see LD’s also. Even though a certain attitude may not be a “result getting one” it’s difficult to just flip a switch and change it on the fly, it has to have some kind of grounding in reality also. Otherwise you just feel like you’re having “delusions of grandeur’

      Having a woman say to you directly, in effect, “if you don’t keep initiating, chasing, women will just go and date someone else” and another woman say “I want to be chased, and I’m not going to defend why, it’s just my choice” can do a lot to shape and form the very ‘bitter’ attitude you speak of.


  5. this is hilarious, I just had to share this article:

    and thank you again Liz for providing commentary that goes way beyond this trite stuff!

Speak Your Mind


Please leave these two fields as-is:

Protected by Invisible Defender. Showed 403 to 54,993 bad guys.