Are You Immune to Emotions?

There seems to be an epidemic going around among the men who have studied dating, attraction, seduction and/or social dynamics: they are “immune” to emotions. I wish I had a dime for every time I heard a guy say he didn’t *need* a woman’s affection, approval, or acceptance to feel good about himself.

It’s time for a little dose of humanity. If you have been trying so very hard to be a grounded, unmovable man, because that’s what you were told to do by the experts that be, it’s ok, you can exhale now. You are a human being. Human beings have emotions. You are not an exception to the rule.

Not letting your emotions knock you off your feet–or your path in life–doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any emotions at all.

A man who is not in control of his emotions allows them to become destructive. He might lash out at others, becoming angry, blaming, or becoming obsessive (read: needy stalker). He might lash inward, beating himself up for being such a loser, quietly convincing himself that this is more “proof” that he is inadequate as a man. Either way, the self destructive behavior is the problem, not the emotions themselves.

One of the biggest mistakes that I see men make is that in an attempt to get control, they become in complete denial of their emotions.

A telltale sign of this is when men make declarations, whether to themselves or others, that “they don’t need a woman’s approval, praise, appreciation, or validation.” When a woman they liked turns them down, they insist that it doesn’t phase them. “Whatever, there are plenty of hot girls out there. I don’t need her.”

This is not masculine, selective, cool behavior. It’s childish, and it thinly masks just how much you really did need her validation and approval. Otherwise there is no need to declare just how much you didn’t need it.

When I can tell a man is repressing his emotions (positive or negative), I get that icky, un-attracted feeling. It’s a sure sign that a man isn’t prepared for a mature relationship or dating experience. Even if you don’t want commitment, you still need to demonstrate relationship maturity; she needs to know that you will stay cool when she’s out there dating other people too.

Most women feel very deeply, whether it’s heartbreak, disappointment, sadness, anger, happiness, joy, or deep desire. If you meet her with the same blank, stone face, every time, that is not being a “grounded,” manly man; that’s being a robot.

The men I know who have truly solid inner game–confidence and a masculine presence–don’t try to mask their emotions. When a woman they like turns them down, they say something like, “Wow, that sucks, I really liked her and I was hoping something would work out there.” Then they move on with their lives.

The more you pretend that you feel “fine” when you really don’t, the harder it will be for you to become a truly grounded man who actually is in control of his emotions.

Spreading “positive energy” and confident declarations over a negative experience is like spreading jam on burnt toast and then trying to convince everyone–including yourself–that it tastes good. Taking responsibility for your emotions means you will have to recognize that the toast is burnt. But, once you do that, then you can throw that piece away, adjust the settings on the toaster, and make toast that you’ll actually enjoy eating.

When you own up to what you are really feeling, that is being a sexy, attractive, authentic man. It sounds counter-intuitive, but women will find you much, much more attractive, even if you are admitting vulnerability. Especially when you are admitting vulnerability.

The next time you are chatting with a woman–whether your girlfriend or a hottie you just met–share an experience where you felt some emotions. It could be annoyance at a parking ticket or excitement about an upcoming vacation. The point is to be human with her–emotions and all.

Comments

  1. I had a friend tell me after I recounted a recent rejection to him: “If you feel rejected, don’t think about it, move on” We all know how useful it is to “not” think about something.

    If the goal is to not lash out, or lash inward, rather just get to a point of simple acknowledgement, what happens when the rejections pile up ? Do we keep acknowledging over and over ?

  2. A great example to really explain this…

    The other night, I was at a party, I ran into a friend who knew about a woman I was seeing, it didn’t work out, and when I told her this, she started telling me how bad she felt.
    I told her “Do not pity me, I made my choices, I could do things differently and it would be different. I didn’t. I don’t want to be pitied for this. Yah it sucks, but I take responsibility for it.”

    AS I SAID THIS: seconds later This woman’s friend says “WHO ARE YOU??? I need to meet you?”

    (I responded: “So you want to talk to me because I got rejected and I’m not crying like a wussy about it and i’m taking responsibility for it?”) She nodded yes furiously.

    My best way to describe that moment is well, she literally was my groupie, that woman giggles at me every time I see her. WHY? I was honest. If something shitty happens, women don’t want us men to pretend it doesn’t suck. *(If your kid is missing, Should you say “It’s hopeless” and do nothing? should you sit and pretend he’s still in the house? Should you go find him?)* They want to see us deal with the problem.

    What’s cooler, the friend who never admits his issues? Or the friend who has issues and dealt with them?
    The latter–>And I bet we all know which guy dates better women too.

    • “(I responded: “So you want to talk to me because I got rejected and I’m not crying like a wussy about it and i’m taking responsibility for it?”)”

      But here’s a question, did you take responsibility because you actually, truly, felt responsible, or did you do it because you had an idea women would respond to it positively in the future ?

      Also, do you see a difference between “crying like a wussy about it” and acknowledging that something happens over and over again, despite one’s repeated attempt to change it?

  3. Thank you Liz! This is sooooo freeing! This article just made me realize how often I pretended I didn’t care, when I really did. And women love that. Thank you.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Skwadim,

    Yes, this can be applied to anything!

    When the rejections pile up, that’s when you take action to figure out how
    NOT to get rejected so much in the future. Learning about dating,
    attraction, and relationships is a great way to do that!

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