Creating and Maintaining “Status”

Lots of pick-up artists claim that approaching women and showing interest lowers your status, but this is not true, and going out to meet women with this mentality will actually kill your game—and probably the rest of your social life.

Showing your interest/attraction towards a woman does not lower your value and or/status.

If it did, how would that work, exactly?! Do you have a ticker tape running across your forehead with numbers that start to plummet when you approach a beautiful woman and say hello?

No, of course not. What lowers your status is not how many you approach, or even how many women you find attractive, but your attitude towards the women that you do talk to.

Women will naturally be more curious about you when they see you talking with other women, and when they see other women interested in you. Even the PUAs talk about this: it’s social proof.

So, how exactly are you supposed to talk to lots of women (for social proof) and NOT talk to too many women for fear of lowering your status? Seems like the only way to really successfully pull of both of these “tactics” is to attract lots of women by not talking to any of them. Yeah, good luck with that…

Or, you could actually approach and talk to lots of women, naturally boost your social proof and create attraction while relaxing and having a good time—all while creating and maintaining a high social status.

I have news for you: feeling attracted to other people is NORMAL. It’s like feeling thirsty for water or hungry for food; when you see a pretty woman, you will feel like fucking her. It’s called being human.

Feeling attraction for a woman and pretending that you don’t is just being inauthentic. I’m not saying you need to walk over to a woman and say, “Hi, I’m attracted to you,” but actively trying to pretend that you DON’T like her when you do is a stupid game. It might work with some immature chicks in the club, but quality women will see through you and move on to a more authentic man.

The real question is: who determines your value?

You think that woman across the room determines your value? If she says yes your ticker tape goes up, if she says no, it goes down? Walk around with that assumption and you will drive yourself crazy–and pretty much guarantee that you will remain single and alone.

If you are afraid to show a woman that you want her, how on earth to you actually expect to get her?

Even if a woman does really like you, it’s unlikely that she will pour her heart out and let you know how she feels if you are “playing it cool” around her. An insecure woman will assume you don’t like her and shy away from you, feeling crappy; a more confident woman will assume you don’t like her and move on to someone who does, feeling fine about it. Either way, you are pushing women away with this attitude.

(Yeah, I know, sometimes a women will fall for a guy who is cold, distant, and “hard-to-get.” This is usually a sign that she is turned on by drama and conflict. Proceed at your own risk).

So, back to the question at hand: who determines your value?

You do.

You’re the only one that can actually determine your value. It’s yours to keep no matter what happens–no matter how many women you want, no matter how many of them you approach and show interest in, and no matter how many of them turn you down.

If you think you have low value, you do. If you think you have high value, you do. If you do affirmations and confirmations and what-have-you’s to insist that you have high value but deep down you think you’re inadequate, then you are.

Your value doesn’t change just because you approach a pretty girl (and PUAs that tell you otherwise are giant wuss-bags).

The reason why most guys (and PUAs) think that approach/showing interest to women lowers their status is because most guys approach women seeking a yes from any women that will give one.

Men who value themselves and maintain a high social status approach women to find out if she is someone worth saying yes to. It’s this attitude, not the number of women that actually say yes, that maintain their high status.

Think about it. If you were at a house party, for example, and there was a dentist there going around trying to get everyone to become his clients, you’d think, “Geez, he must not be a very good dentist,” right? He could actually be the top in his field, but you’d never think so because he’s acting desperate. That’s what happens when you approach a lot of women trying to get all them to sleep with you—it makes the women (and everyone else) assume that you must not be “very good.”

Of course, if that same dentist talked to everyone at the party to get to know them, then they would probably all think he was a cool guy and it would be a lot more likely that he’d get some people interested in becoming his clients. And even those who weren’t looking for a dentist would still think highly of him and maybe give him referrals.

His friendly attitude allows him to meet a lot of people and his lack of desperation would allow him to set standards. For example, let’s say he only works with people who have dental insurance. That’s one of his standards. If he maintains that, he maintains his status, even if it means turning certain clients away.

The same is true when it comes to meeting women. If you approach women with an attitude of selectivity, then talking to lots of women actually will increase your status because it will increase your social proof. For example, if you’re at a party, and you talk to everyone there, the women will notice that you talk to everyone and you are there to have a good time. As in, you aren’t desperate, you are happy, relaxed, fulfilled. This is sexy.

Finding a beautiful woman physically attractive is natural, so rather than try and disguise it to fake some status, maintain status by maintaining the attitude that just because she is physically hot, doesn’t mean she’s someone you’re interested in. You have to get to know her better first—and if she has the personality of the Wicked Witch of the West, then it doesn’t matter what she looks like—you’ll move on.

Now I have to warn you, being selective is not the way to get a bunch of one night stands, because you might not meet someone who meets your standards. But if you want to maintain your status and value, then maintain your standards (and if you don’t have any standards, then get some!).

If you do get rejected, don’t take it personally. What if that dentist freaked out if someone told him they weren’t interested in dental care with him? You would respect and trust him more if he remained calm and confident, and didn’t take the “no” personally.

Also, if a woman thinks there’s something wrong with you because you are interested in her, that’s a reflection of HER value, not yours. She actually thinks so little of herself that she thinks you’re stupid for liking her (this is true even for extremely hot women–hot on the outside can still be insecure on the inside).

A woman with confidence won’t have that experience. She’s aware of her own attractiveness so when you notice it too, it’s as natural as you noticing that the sky is blue.

To get that kind of a woman, you need to have that level of confidence too. Of course, having this kind of confidence is easier said than done, but one of the first steps to achieving it is to realize that your value is determined by your own sense of self-worth, not by the women “out there.”

A man who is truly confident doesn’t worry about his value and his status. He knows who he is and what his standards are, and he knows that approaching women and expressing interest in them won’t change that. He maintains his confidence, and this maintains his value and status.

Your Inside Woman,


  1. who determines your value? – Awesome. I like it.

    Great post on shame around your wants and attraction.

    The irony is that so many people feel something or think something that pickup artists assume it must be true and teach it as if thats the way the world works. Like that approach anxiety can never go away.


  2. Mralexwein says:

    We must truly love ourselves first before we can truly love anyone else. our value and needs are the most important part first before we connect them to another.

    I think one of the problems might be that people need to know how to love themselves.

    and good comment john! based on my experience I found that when you truly have higher value and standards for yourself approach anxiety really doesn’t exist, your happy whether your talking to that hottie over there or not.

  3. Most guys should keep this in mind while reading this. Realize that if you’re resisting this, if you think you “need” tactics. It’s because you don’t think you’re cool enough to just be cool. Liz is just telling us to be the cool guy and have fun. To be that guy, you gotta love yourself. You got to realize that YOU ARE COOL! You are awesome, nobody can ever change that! (Not even you, you just hide it from people).

    I know those words are thrown out alot “love yourself”, but it’s true. You gotta do it. It’s hard to love yourself. If you love yourself, you have responsibility for yourself then. Living a crappy life no longer is acceptable. But do it, it’s like working out, when you’re tired, just push for a bit more, it may hurt then, but 5 minutes later you take some deep breaths, then you feel great and move on and you’re so much better for it. If you’re reading this, you already knew that, you know it’s common sense. Just do it.

  4. Mark Patton says:

    Liz – thanks for more of your common sense analysis of the pick-up world.

  5. Lpaskins6681 says:

    Your tips are awesome! It’s almost like you don’t hate men and enjoy seeing them suffer 😉 We could use a few more women like you out there.

  6. “Think about it. If you were at a house party, for example, and there was a dentist there going around trying to get everyone to become his clients, you’d think, “Geez, he must not be a very good dentist,” right? He could actually be the top in his field, but you’d never think so because he’s acting desperate.”

    Problem is… how does a dentist go into a party with an attitude of “I don’t need any clients here, but if I pick up a few, great…” …… by having lots of clients already in his rolodex. What you got is a good ol’ catch 22.

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes, and every dentist had to start his or her practice at the beginning,
      and probably did so not by begging for clientele but rather by connecting
      with people and seeing who was interested.

      • True, very true… but imagine a dentist now, who’s behind 6 months on the rent, hasn’t had a client in years, never really could get into a good dental school, so feels underprepared compared to the rest of the dentists around him… and of course he still really wants to be a dentist (an option is always to just… not be a dentist)… makes it a bit harder to not go into the house party of “I’m not desperate for clients”

        • Anonymous says:

          Yes and “desperate” is always just a mental/emotional state…that won’t help that dentist get more clients.

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