Dealing with Approach Anxiety

Let me ask you something: do you feel anxious or nervous about approaching women?

When you approach a woman, do you get the sinking feeling that she would rather be doing anything else than talk to you?

Well, I wish I could tell you that it was all in your head, but chances are, you’ve scared away a few women in the past because of the way you approached them.

Don’t worry; you can approach a woman without triggering her “get the heck away from me” thoughts, but first, you need to let go of your approach anxiety.

See, when you are anxious, you come across as desperate. Desperation and neediness are creepy and turn women off. If you try to mask this nervousness with false bravado (a.k.a. pretending to be confident) then it’s likely that you’ll appear pushy, which is also a turn off.

Chances are, you’ve experienced what it feels like to be approached by someone needy, desperate, and/or pushy.

Picture this:

You leave the grocery store, bags full of food, including some frozen items. You’ve had a long day, you’re tired, you’re hungry, and you still have work to get done later that night.

As soon as you walk through the exit door, a guy approaches you with a clipboard.

Be honest, what’s your reaction?

Because even though I care about charitable causes, I avoid those “clipboard guys” like the plague, and I’m gonna guess that you do too.

Maybe you ignore him completely or look the other way. But let’s say he’s really aggressive and steps right in front of you, shoves the clipboard in your face, and immediately starts giving you his speech.

You say something like,

“Sorry man, I’m in a hurry,” and push past him.

The average guy that hits on us girls is about as annoying as the clipboard guys. (“Please sign up to sleep with me! I’m a desperate man who needs your charity!”).

See, most guys are completely clueless that when they ask a woman for a phone number or a date, they sound like a homeless guy begging for spare change.

Now, I think it’s awful that there are so many people in the world living on the streets. These people really are in a desperate situation.

You aren’t in a desperate situation.

I don’t care if it’s “been a long time” or even if it’s “never happened” for you, you have no reason to be desperate. Besides, you are not going to get anywhere with women being desperate!

Unfortunately, trying to “play it cool” probably doesn’t work so well either, does it…

Because if you feel desperate to get a woman, a woman will see how desperate you are, no matter what cool lines and moves you bust out to cover it up. A quality woman will not go for a guy who approaches her with a desperate state of mind.

Approach Anxiety (actually, any anxiety) is caused by two things:

  1. Having an agenda
  2. Imagining an outcome other than achieving your agenda

Lots of dating gurus will tell you not to have an agenda. Heck, even I’ve been anti-agenda in the past. However, I’ve since come to realize that having an agenda is not a problem—the problem is when you are desperately attached to that agenda.

The truth is, if you talk to a woman without any sense of where you want to lead the interaction, you will end up in the friend zone.

On the flip side of that, if you are so laser focused on getting her phone number that you aren’t even paying attention to what’s actually happening, then this creates that desperation that turns women off.

The sweet spot is to know where you want to lead the interaction, and also know that you will be totally ok with any other outcome (non-attached).

Anxiety is when you imagine something happening in your future that is not the outcome you want. Think about it: you wouldn’t feel anxious about approaching a woman if you knew she was going to say yes, would you?

So, approach anxiety is just another form of fear of rejection, and fear of rejection is an indication of some deeper confidence issues that need to be resolved.

Here’s a great technique to deal with anxiety, although I share with the caveat that this will not resolve the deeper stuff that’s preventing you from being totally confident and fearless in the face of possible rejection.

Next time you feel anxious, picture yourself 15 minutes after the successful completion of whatever you are anxious about. For example, if you are anxious about approaching that cute girl in the book store, picture yourself 15 minutes after you’ve successfully approached, flirted, and attracted her (or whatever “success” looks like to you).

Then, ask yourself what you needed to do have had that successful outcome. This will guide you on how to proceed.

Again, if you feel anxious, it’s because you are not focusing on what you want; you are wasting time worrying about stuff that hasn’t even taken place in reality yet!

This quote pretty much sums it up: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.”  ~Michel de Montaigne

By the way, if you want to resolve that “deeper stuff” I talked about, then you’ll need to invest in more than just reading stuff online. Yes, this is where I tell you that the best way to deal with your approach anxiety is to get some one-on-one coaching, especially if the anxiety technique that I shared with you here doesn’t completely let it go.

To read more about my 1-on-1 coaching, click here: www.lizleia.com.

Your Inside Woman,

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