Recently a woman sent me the following comment in response to my Getting Inside a Woman blog:

“I am a woman and personally…reading posts by a woman advising guys how to “get” women is creepy in itself!!!   Liz, are you a female chauvinist?  Your fantasies are probably about men in movies raping the ‘glam gal’….”

I don’t normally let stuff like this get to me, but this particular comment is too “ripe with learnings” for me to ignore. Perhaps it was something about her tone, her anger, and her attempts at biting insults (“I know, I’ll accuse her of liking rape! That’ll get her…”). It’s easy to recognize these tools of emotional manipulation, as yours truly has used them before!

There is so much for men to understand about women packed into those three sentences…I can’t even go into it all in one article! So for now I’ll address her question: Am I a female chauvinist?

Actually, if you look up the definition, chauvinism is believing that one group is superior to others. So if I were a “female chauvinist,” I would believe that women are superior to men. I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant, so let’s translate the question as: Am I a female who is a male chauvinist?

No. I believe in equality.

However, I believe that what she really wanted to ask is a question I have been asked countless times: Why would a woman teach men how to attract women?

Maybe you’ve been wondering this too.

Well, the timing is impeccable, because I don’t think I really understood why I did until now…

Four years ago, I would’ve said, “Because men are struggling, and they need our help.”

While this is true, the deeper reason is because women are also suffering, and they need your help.

I have just returned from a weekend away with my wonderful boyfriend. We visited the Grand Canyon for the first time and, well, not to use a cliché, but pictures don’t do it justice.

The Canyon stretches out wider and deeper than the eye can see. It’s a perfect metaphor for the new levels of intimacy, honesty, vulnerability, and love that we have been experiencing in our relationship lately.

I have spent almost a lifetime perfecting the art of emotional manipulation. I was addicted to drama, and lonely inside. My boyfriend isn’t perfect, but he has been trying–holy shit he has been trying so hard!–to love me, and I wouldn’t let him in. Over time we made each other miserable and almost broke up (several times!).

Due to the enormous amount of work we’ve been putting into our relationship recently, things have slowly been improving for a while now. But our weekend together allowed us to be in a quiet place–flanked by two long drives–and gave us plenty of time to talk and open up. I can’t tell you why this time was different than all the other times we’ve sat, talked, and endlessly processed, but something has shifted. Something inside of me has opened wide, like the gra–ok, I’ll stop with the grand canyon metaphors.

Let’s just say, I have never been happier in my whole life than I am now.

The night after we arrived back from our trip, I put on some lingerie and showed off some of my pole dancing moves (which meant the lingerie didn’t stay on for very long. ) After we worked up a good appetite, I cooked us some steaks for dinner. And as I served him his plate, I had a profound and somewhat controversial insight: Most women will never know this happiness.

Now, some people might read this and mistake this as me saying that it’s a woman’s “duty” to give her man hot sex and a hot meal. And yes, that would be a male chauvinistic thing to say…if that’s what I meant (it’s not).

There is a difference between forcing a woman to do something and opening her up so that she is inspired to do it. Forcing (rape being the clearest example) does not open up a woman; it wounds her and closes her down.

Inspiring a woman to find joy where she used to find shame will open her up. This requires having her best interest in mind as well as yours. If you are only trying to open her up sexually so that she will do more “freaky” stuff, this will not create deeper intimacy. But if you are doing it so that she can grow, relax, and be happier, you will both experience greater pleasure.

This is true inside the bedroom and out of it.

We women have been taught that to love a man is degrading. Even when we open our legs, most of us will never truly open our hearts. We have been taught to hide our true selves. We have been taught how to be coy and emotionally manipulative–to bait you so that you will jump through hoop after hoop, believing that you can have us if you just do this one more thing…

So why do I teach men how to get inside a woman? Sorry, fellas, but it’s not so you can get laid. It’s not even so you can get girlfriends and wives.

It’s so that you will know how much we want you and need you.

There are many women out there who write about how to reclaim the femininity that we women have lost in the modern world. Some want to reclaim motherhood. Some, like Sheila Kelly of S Factor (where I now teach pole dancing part-time), are helping women reclaim their sensuality and sexuality.

These are only two of countless examples of women who have made it their mission to help all of us reclaim our femininity.

However, I’ve noticed that many of these women (not all of them!) are forgetting to include you guys in the conversation.

In fact, the other day, I overheard one such woman talking about how “men don’t have any sexual shame the way us women do.” I nearly fell out of my chair. Say WHA–?

Then I remembered that most women have not had the privilege that I have of hearing so many men–whether through email questions, blog comments, or in my personal coaching–share their vulnerabilities.

Actually, one of the main reasons why I created the Art of Flirting brand and began teaching both men and women is because I believe that this conversation is important.

Women need men, and men need women. It’s time that both genders stopped pretending otherwise. There is no career achievement or good friend–heck, even having a child–that can replace the happiness and deep satisfaction that a healthy, loving relationship can bring you. That’s not to say having a good relationship is the meaning of life. Just don’t exclude it because you don’t know how to have one yet!

It doesn’t work if men reclaim their masculinity in this corner and women reclaim their femininity in that corner. You cannot have the yin without the yang.

And trust me, we women ache for the space to be yin–to be feminine. And despite what we may have been telling you all this time, we really can’t do it without you.

I know, deep down, this is why you need us too. It’s not for stripteases and steaks (although those things are very nice). It’s for the softness, the nurturing, the tender support that we provide. Women can provide both the strength to prop you up, and the softness to lay your head upon when you need to rest.

You do not need to sort through the masses or play a “numbers game” to find that “rare good woman” in order to find love. This feminine power, this beauty and this love, is inside every woman. Even the crazy ones.

So when I say “getting inside a woman,” what I mean is to become yang to inspire her yin. Open her up to a deeper love than she has ever experienced before. You’ll both be happier, more loving people for it.

Source of the image: Photl.

If you haven’t already, check out the new Art of Flirting blog. I just posted a short and sweet Valentine’s Day note for you!

As the holiday season rolls around and 2011 is coming to close, I’d like to thank you, my readers, for a great year! I appreciate ALL of your comments, questions, emails, and support. I wish you happy holidays and a merry new year! To close out the 2011 Getting Inside a Woman season, here’s a holiday message from my blog editor and “recurring guest star,” Chelsea Powers:

The holidays can really bring out the best in people. It can also bring out the not-so-best (ex: “Eat my pepper spray, that Xbox is mine!”).

If the purpose of the holidays is to love, give and be merry, it’s a bummer how getting time off can sometimes feel like more work than holiday cheer. How can you feel cheerful – or even sane – in a scenario like the mall where shoppers are rushing around you like hungry zombies? How do you not let the stress of shopping, traveling and adjusting finances get the better of you?

You can get into the spirit of the holidays and life itself by giving the world the best gift of all. The best gift you can give and receive is to live your purpose. When you live your purpose, you’ll grow into a happier person. Plus, being happy helps you stay in touch with what you’re life’s purpose is because you aren’t feeling distracted by emotional baggage. This information will help level out the stress of the holidays, offer insight into what to give the world (assuming you aren’t Santa) and may possibly even give you ideas for a New Year’s Resolution!

Sometimes when I talk about purpose I get sass from clients, drunk but well-intentioned friends, and myself when I’m bummed out. For simplicity, common questions/sarcastic comments are tabbed out in italics.

Like this. W00t.

Your life’s purpose is whatever it is you were born to give. In Way of the Superior Man, Deida says (this is paraphrasing,) “Fuck the world like you’re fucking your woman.” This means to do what you want. Not as in, “Fuck the Man, anarchy rules!” But as in asking yourself, “What do what you really want out of your life?” Figure that out and go make it happen. Do your purpose and enjoy it with the same passion as making love to your woman. When the world feels given to, it will return the favor.

 “Quit with the woo-woo-hippy-fairy-holding-hands-under-a-freaking-rainbow-BS.”

When you give your gift, everybody feels it on an energetic level. Think of someone you know who really lives their purpose. Doesn’t that person seem more alive than the people around him or her? Doing what you’re meant to do gives you ample reason to live and feel merry.

 “Oh yes, if you ignore facts and make up beliefs you’ll be happy. The world really needs more people living blissful, ignorant lives. Great. Why am I doing this?”

Do it for yourself. Living your passion skyrockets the quality of life. Granted, this takes conscious effort sometimes. Learning to enjoy the journey while doing your purpose is what will create more happy “Yay for life!” feelings.

                “Well, if it’s all about ‘feeling good’ why don’t I go masturbate?”

Ideally, the actions you’re taking will correlate with your life’s deepest purpose. If you’re truly giving to the world, you’re not masturbating yourself. You’re fucking the world. You’re making the world a better place.

The best contribution you can give to yourself, womankind and the world this holiday season is your happiness and your purpose. If you’re alive that means there’s a reason for it. And that is reason enough to feel happy while people are shoving the season’s greetings down your throat.

Happy holidays and make the fucking best of it.

Cheers to you and your life,

Chelsea

One of the most common questions I get from men during dating coaching is “How do I get a woman to respect me?” (aka “How do I get her to stop being such a crazy bitch?”)

Different forms of disrespect include:

• Demanding that you buy the drinks
• Cheating or infidelity
• Verbally abusing you when you don’t do what she says

Any of these sound familiar?

I know there is much material out there written for men, by men, on how to get a woman’s respect. I’ve been hesitant to put my 2-cents in on this issue since I have a different take than most of those guys do.

Of course I do.

This article is about what respect means and how to get it. When a woman respects you, she’ll naturally want to do anything she can to support your life and your life’s deepest purpose. Respect is what transforms a woman from a spoiled brat to someone who is happy and on your side. Respect is what makes women listen to you and follow your lead.

When you can get any woman you want to respect you, not only do you have a wider selection of women to pick from… the woman (or women) you choose transform into better people because they’re with you. This makes your life a Heck of a lot better! There are many relationship problems that would disappear if both parties showed a little more respect for the other person.

Here’s the thing; I have been in total awe of a man. And I don’t mean crushy-puppy-love awe. I mean, I’ve had total, wide-eyed, my man can do anything (and I’d do anything for HIM) respect.

I’ve also felt deep contempt and disrespect for a man. I’ve even felt this way toward the SAME man that I used to hold in such high regard. (And vice-versa. Funny how that works.)

So here is the harsh truth: if you truly want a woman’s respect, you first need to let go of the belief that you *deserve* her respect.

If you congruently felt like you deserved the respect you want, you would already have it. Respect is not deserved; it is earned. If you don’t have it, it’s because you haven’t earned it.

I know that sounds a bit harsh. You may be thinking that if you’re nice and thoughtful toward women, they should respect you. (Especially since so many women date jerks anyway, right?)

There is more to being respected by a woman than being nice (and while those women might date jerks, chances are they don’t have the high amount of respect for them that I’m talking about). To gain her deepest levels of respect you’ll want to be trustworthy, act with integrity and to be living your life’s deepest purpose. I’ll talk more about this in a bit.

I wholeheartedly believe that human beings should have a certain base level of respect for one another. Everyone has basic human rights. However, it’s important to not confuse those basic rights with getting the huge amounts of respect and “I will follow your lead anywhere” kind of trust from your woman.

Unfortunately some people are distrustful. Some people steal and act violently. Some women nag, tear men down and transform them into [insert crack of a whip sound here] – “their bitch.” If you let these people into your lives, they will disrespect you just like they do everyone else.

The best information about someone is their behavior. For example, if a woman tells you she is reliable, but she constantly shows up late or flakes for dates, you know that she is unreliable, despite what she says.

The most important key to getting more respect) is to behave in a way that EARNS it.

As I said before, the most important information about a person is their behavior. So it goes that if a woman sees a man being lazy (not fulfilling his life’s deepest purpose,) she will not respect his ability to work hard. If he constantly breaks promises to her, she will not respect his word.

And she shouldn’t!

The way to get a woman’s respect is to have integrity. Integrity ranges from things as small as cleaning out the car when you say you will to as important as living your life’s deepest purpose.

Living a life of integrity is the most vital thing to getting and keeping a woman’s respect. This is how you’ll fulfill your life’s deepest purpose. Being “on purpose” means that you’re living a life of integrity with yourself. If you have integrity, you’re more likely to only agree to do things that you actually want to do. This will help you keep your word so she can trust you. This trust is what earns her deepest respect. Not what kind of car you drive or how suave you act on your first date. It’s all about trust.

Men who live their lives with integrity are respected. They don’t need to ask for it, and they certainly don’t need to demand it. They simply inspire it from their behavior.

This is probably one of the most common questions I get from men: why do women like jerks? The saying goes that nice guys finish last, but is that true? Many women will tell you that they don’t like jerks. Some women don’t like jerks. Most of them do.

However, you DO NOT need to be a jerk to attract women. You don’t have to choose between becoming a jerk, asshole or douchebag, or living a life of solitude. It’s possible to be the nice guy who finishes first.

When you understand why women like jerks, then you can attract women without being one. And the good news is that if you are the nice guy who also has these “supposed jerk” behaviors, then you will be the total package–the nice MAN that every woman is looking for.

Here are five major reasons why a woman might be drawn to a jerk like a moth to light:

1. She Has Low Self-Esteem

Most people have low self-esteem; therefore most women have low self-esteem. That includes women with incredibly hot bodies. Even if you or other men put her on a pedestal, chances are she does NOT put herself there.

Women might say that they want to be treated well, but what most women want even more than that is to be completely and totally understood by a man.

If she thinks of herself as garbage, she will feel understood by a guy who treats her like garbage, and she will feel like the guy who treats her well “just doesn’t get it.”

Jung said that “we marry our unconscious mind.” We attract those that reflect our deepest unconscious beliefs back to us. In other words, if a woman has a low opinion of herself, she will be more attracted to men who also have a low opinion of her.

Women who have high self-esteem are not attracted to jerks for the same reason. Therefore, if you respect women and treat them well, seek out women who respect themselves and treat themselves well. You can tell the difference by how healthy she is, how happy she is, and how well she sets boundaries in her life.

2. She’s Ms. Fix-it

Some people restore old cars. Some people restore great works of art. And some women (try to) restore jerks and bad boys into nice, well-behaved men.

This process doesn’t work, but that doesn’t stop these avid hobbyists from trying. And hobby is the correct term, because the motivation is very similar. Someone who has a hobby of restoring old cars gets much more satisfaction from their finished product than if they went and bought that car off a lot (even if the cars on the lot are safer and better designed)!

So it is with the women who fix men. This kind of woman is not looking for a man who is ready for a relationship. She doesn’t want one that’s already put together; she wants to build him up herself.

3. She Doesn’t See It

You might see a jerk, but she might not. It’s a cliche to say, “I just see a side of him that you don’t see,”but in some cases, this is true.

Different people have different points of view (shocking, I know). Our nervous system is bombarded with much more sensory information than we can handle (about 2 million bits of information per second), so our unconscious mind filters out what we don’t need before we ever become aware of it. After the filtering process, we are left with 126 bits of information. That’s 126 out of a possible 2 million!

What gets filtered out is determined by our values, beliefs, memories and other aspects of our unconscious. In other words, whatever beliefs you have, you will find “evidence” to support it, because your unconscious will choose the relevant 126. Someone else with an opposing belief will also find evidence, because their unconscious will filter out a different 126.

If you are seeing a world where women only like jerks, you are, quite literally, missing out.

Now it’s possible that he is a jerk and she doesn’t see it. Or it’s possible that he is not a jerk, but you see a jerk anyway because of something that’s inside of you. Either way, you are the only one you can change, and it’s possible that “women like jerks” is just a belief that you need to let go of.

Of course, if that’s true, you’ll probably think that this one is the “least useful” of the 5 things listed here.

4. She’s a Drama Addict

Similar to the Ms. Fix-it, the Drama Addict thrives on drama, not the stability of a healthy relationship. As a recovering drama addict myself, I know this one particularly well.

Drama is interesting; it’s entertaining. And it makes us feel important when we are in the middle of it.

Jerks create more drama than nice guys. Even if a drama addict is attracted to a nice guy initially, it’s likely because he is different than the last three jerks she dated. And different means a new storyline in her life!

Have you ever noticed that on TV shows they will rarely have couples stay together happily, or if they do, those couples’ story lines go to the background of the show, leaving more air time for the drama of the single and unhappy folks? My favorite example of this is The Office (American version). In earlier seasons of The Office, the will-they-won’t-they sexual tension of Jim and Pam was one of the major story lines. Once they got together–and especially now that they are married with a family–their characters’ story line gets much less screen time.

Same with the drama addict. She is not looking for her life to be good, she’s looking for her life to be entertaining (Like I said, I speak from experience). She is constantly scripting her life for maximum entertainment, and if you become too boring and stable, she will bring in a new character to shake things up.

5. She’s Turned On By His Perceived Strength

Jerks often appear stronger than nice guys, and women crave strength. Note the word appear, though, as I believe jerk behavior is actually a sign of weakness.

If a woman dates a guy who waves money around or makes a scene so he doesn’t have to wait for a table, then the man who waits his turn like everyone else might seem weak in comparison.

Again, she might not see him as a jerk–her 126 might give her the experience of a strong, powerful and results-oriented man. I know I’ve fallen for this. I’ve dated a few jerks who were great at masculine qualities like making money, solving problems and getting things done.

The key here is masculinity. Jerks are a constant show of masculine energy. Women see this and think they ARE masculine.

However, jerks are a show of masculine energy because often they lack true masculinity inside (a *real man* doesn’t act like a jerk because he doesn’t need to). Think of it as a green leaf. Leaves absorb light waves, but they don’t absorb the green light waves, so they reflect the green back out. So the leaf looks green to us, but that’s because there is NOT any green inside.

Developing your masculinity is the key to attracting women without being a jerk. There are many facets to doing this; however, the first and most important is to know your life purpose and to live it. Women will often prefer a purposeful jerk to a purposeless nice guy, but most of all, we want a nice, purposeful man.

I realize that you might be hearing a lot of people remind you to be thankful this time of year. Well, here I am, jumping on the bandwagon!

One of the funniest things I’ve realized is that, back when I was single, I would use that as an excuse to feel miserable. Even though dating multiple people was exciting, deep down I felt lonely waiting for *the one.* Now that I have him, I miss certain aspects of being single (like the independence it offers).

This mentality comes from a lot of different areas. Sometimes it seems like society conditions us to feel certain things about our relationship status, so it’s not always easy to take responsibility for how we feel.

(Ex: being “single” has connotations of being incomplete if you compare it to the togetherness of people who are “attached” or act like a “ball and chain.”)

No, the point of this article is not “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.”

I’m bringing this up because I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this “grass is always greener” mentality.

Feeling this way, especially so close to a major holiday about being thankful (in that grudgingly cliché kind of way,) brought me back to this core principle:

If you are truly unhappy, then deal with it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t cover it up with affirmations. Learn from it and enjoy life!

Thinking about all the things you *don’t have* can start the learning process (it’s certainly been one of my bad habits!). The flip side, and potentially more important side if you’re stuck in this habit, is to start out with what you’re actually thankful for.

Things will never be perfect or complete. Yes, you can always find something to improve. But if that’s all you ever focus on, then you will forget to enjoy what is already just the way you want it.

I mean… at least no one is pillaging your house trying to steal your land and your daughters. That’s a good place to start, right?

Gratitude is noticing what you already have that you want, and that you already have what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Many men study strategies and tactics to approaching women that would make hostage negotiators jealous. These men (usually pick-up artists) often talk about women as highly emotional, fickle, ADD creatures who, without the proper finesse, are easily spooked into the arms of a smoother, suaver man.

As a result, there are entire books, websites, forums, etc. dedicated just to approaching women. This is overkill, and will only make things complicated–so complicated that you will probably be nervous even if you used to be comfortable approaching.

Approaching is easy. Let me say that again: approaching women is easy.

And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m a woman and I don’t know what it’s like. I’m saying that because I’m a woman and I can tell you that we want to be approached. Without it being overcomplicated.

By the way, approach isn’t just for when you want to meet a woman for the first time. Once you’re in a relationship, you still need to know how to “approach” your woman when you want to flirt and turn her on.

Many men get rejected when they approach because they over complicate things, but approaching is as easy as…
1. Make Eye Contact
2. Smile
3. Break the Ice

Let’s go over each of these in more detail:

1. Make Eye Contact
Whether it’s your girlfriend or a sexy woman you just spotted across a crowded room, it’s very important to make eye contact before you approach.

The reason why most men think that they need to pull out all the stops to get and keep a woman’s attention is because most men don’t do this first step. They interrupt women who have their attention elsewhere (in conversation with someone else, for example).

Well, just as you don’t like to be interrupted, neither do we.

One of the best analogies for this is the “clipboard people.” These are people who position themselves on street corners and outside of grocery stores and, as you walk by, step in front of you and ask you if you want to help the homeless/save the whales/send medicine to kids in Africa dying of AIDS. Most of us have a gut reaction of “no,” not because we don’t care about sick children, but because of the interruption.

By making eye contact, you are seeing if your approach is welcome or not. Women often approach you with their eyes. If you look at a woman, and she looks at you, that is actually the first part of the approach. Now you are in her awareness.

Again, this is true even when it’s your girlfriend. If she’s on the computer, or doing dishes, or changing out of her work clothes, don’t just walk up to her and put your hands on her boobs. Make eye contact to see if she’s noticing you, too, or if she’s really focused on other things (we women get focused on single-tasks too!).

When you make eye contact, you are looking for a green light, which brings me to…

2. Smile
Smile at her and see if she smiles back. If she caught your gaze by accident and doesn’t really want your attention, she will likely look away without smiling.

If you smile and she smiles, this means she has noticed you noticing her, and she is pleased about it.

Let’s go back to the clipboard analogy; imagine you see someone standing under a banner that says, “Help the Homeless–Donate Now.” You make eye contact with him, he smiles, and you smile back. Now it’s not as weird or invasive if he approaches you with a clipboard as it would have been if he had just interrupted you.

Again, the eye contact and the smile of acknowledgement are essential. Don’t approach until you have these. If she’s not noticing you right now, there’s a reason for that.

3. Break the Ice
Now you can go over and break the ice. The “ice-breaker” serves one function: to break the ice. Keep it really simple.

Comment on the event, the surroundings, or pay her a compliment. I’ve had many students tell me that compliments work the best for them as ice-breakers. I’ve also noticed that this is how I break the ice when I attend women’s networking events where I don’t already know anyone. We women love compliments, so this is a great way to warm us up!

Don’t worry about sounding cheesy or stupid; remember, you have already made eye contact and gotten the green light in the form of a smile. The ice breaker is just what starts the conversation.

It’s during the conversation that you will build up the attraction. While it’s possible, it’s unlikely that you will create attraction through the approach alone. The approach is an invitation to flirt, not the entire flirtation.

The invitation is made through eye contact, smiling, and breaking the ice. You are inviting her to “co-create attraction” with you, and she is saying yes. That doesn’t mean there is attraction; that means she wants there to be. Approach is just the beginning.

Quit rubbing your eyes; you read that title correctly.

I recently received a question about this from a reader, and I decided to re-post his question and my response on the blog.

Before we get to that, a few words of caution…this is an incredibly sensitive, yet important topic.

Sensitive because most women, whether they are truly overweight or not, feel terribly self-conscious about their weight. If you mention weight to a woman, you run the risk of being the catalyst for anything on a spectrum of hurt feelings to severe eating disorders.

Important because most people wouldn’t dare tell a truly overweight woman that she is overweight, because, let’s face it, telling a woman she needs to lose a few pounds is about as socially offensive as stabbing a baby seal in the eye.

While it’s true that most of the starved and airbrushed models make “regular” women feel bad about their bodies, there is a counter culture of “loving your fatness” that, in my opinion, is just as dis-empowering for us ladies.

A woman is most empowered, sexy, and beautiful when she is at her healthiest! And as her man, if you can encourage her on a path towards health, you and she will be better for it.

Here is the original email and response:

Hey Liz,

I love your blog, it is very insightful and awesome. I have an issue: my girlfriend is overweight and unhealthy. I fear for her health. How can I get my girlfriend to lose weight? I know I can’t control people but what are some specific things you think I can do to get her to lose weight?
–Name withheld

My Response:
First of all, you are right that you can’t control other people. Ultimately it will have to be up to her to lose weight. She must be motivated to do it for herself (not just for you) for it to really work and have lasting success.

That said, you can help get her inspired to make a change towards better health!

I suggest you have an open, honest conversation with her about this. Hinting or making subtle suggestions will either go unnoticed, or she will probably get the wrong idea (ie. she will assume you don’t find her attractive anymore and feel bad).

I’ve actually had a similar conversation with a boyfriend about his health habits, so I can tell you right now that it takes courage! You run the risk of hurting your partner’s feelings. However, in the long run, it will strengthen the partnership if you can handle it well.

As the yang (masculine) partner, you have great power to lead your woman to grow herself for the better. Most men can’t handle doing this, though, because they don’t know the difference between something in her that needs to change and something in her that pisses him off because HE needs to change. You need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally before talking with her so that you can stay strong in your yang leadership.

Before having an honest conversation with her, you need to have a very honest conversation with yourself about WHY you want her to lose weight. You mentioned that you fear for her health. I’m going to assume (and forgive me if this is not accurate) that you also want her body to look better because then she would look sexier. If there is even an ounce of truth to this, then you need to get congruent about it before talking with her. Otherwise, if you only mention health, but have other motives too, she will sense the ulterior motives and feel betrayed.

Also, you must be in touch with your love and compassion for her. If she senses that you are judging her or you no longer fully accept who she is as a person, then she will not be open to the conversation. One of the communication principles from NLP is “Accept the person, change the behavior.” She has unhealthy behaviors, but she as a person is beautiful. Stay congruent with your total acceptance of her person–even if she gets upset and doesn’t believe that you fully accept her. Keep telling yourself that she is beautiful, no matter how upset she gets.

When you have the conversation, make sure you are both open and receptive, and in a place where you can talk privately and give each other your full attention. Start with a preframe like, “Can I talk to you about something that’s on my mind? Will you be open to hearing it? It’s something that I worry you might not want to hear.” Only proceed if she says yes. Now she will be open.

Next, share vulnerably, openly, and honestly. I know this might sound crazy, but it is better to bare your honest thoughts about her body than to try to make it “sound good.” Again, I’m only assuming here, but I know that when this issue came up for me in the past, I used to say, “I only fear for your health.”

Then one day I said, “This is making it more difficult for me to feel attraction for you, and that’s hurting the relationship.” Don’t get me wrong, this was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had with a partner, but it didn’t turn into a fight the way the other ones did when I was trying to cover up my true feelings. Your girlfriend will appreciate your honesty even if it hurts in the moment.

Now remember, it’s practically an offense punishable by death for a man to tell a woman that she’s fat. She might react at first with shock that you are even saying this to her because most men wouldn’t dare. She might not, but it’s worth the warning just in case. Stay strong and don’t get defensive. Let her react and get upset as much as she needs to; just keep telling her that you think she’s beautiful and don’t get caught up in her drama.

When she calms down, she will likely express her own desire to lose weight. Listen to her because she might need to vent and share about her struggles. Fat is often a cushion that stores repressed emotions. Stay congruent in your belief that she is beautiful and that you accept her completely as you listen.

Then, offer your support. Tell her that the two of you can make dates to go to the gym together; plan nights out at restaurants with healthy options. It’s also a good idea to own up to any “enabling” behaviors. For example, I had to stop asking my partner to get us donuts for breakfast when he was trying to eat healthy. Offer her your congruent and full support by changing any unhealthy habits you need to change as well.

And then, of course, you need to stick to your new, supportive actions!

There is a chance she might not want to change, in which case, again, you can’t change her. However, it’s my belief that most people want to be their healthiest and best looking.

Being healthy includes emotional and mental health. This is why it’s so important that you stay strong, open, and compassionate with her. You are calling her to a higher level of health in all areas, not just in her physical body. This is a great gift you can give her as her partner; just make sure you are ready for it. If you can support her through the process, you will both be better for it on the other side.

One of the biggest “battles of the sexes” is a man’s fight for his space–his time for himself. Why does this happen? Why does it seem like most women won’t give you space, or at least will be upset when you do get it?

This is one of the biggest struggles I’ve had in my own relationship. A woman in love will do almost everything for her man–except leave him alone when he needs to be left alone!

I confess to just about every crazy, clingy behavior there is: repeated calling, endless texting, orchestrating ways to run into him. There have even been times when I’ve stood in the doorway and made it physically impossible for a man to leave when he wanted time apart.

And while there are women out there who have no issue with their men taking space, I know I’m not the only nice-girl-turned-needy at the mention of the “s” word…

So why does this happen? And what can you do about it? Because the truth is, you need your space. And you need to find a way to have your space without sending your woman into a psycho tailspin.

When you understand what’s going on with her, you can have it so that not only do you get your space without the drama, but you will actually have her support you need for space.

Here are 3 principles for getting your much needed space:

1. Say Why
Most women do not understand a man’s need for space, and therefore they take it personally.

While a woman cherishes having “me time,” it can often be interchangeable with “us time.” For me, there is no difference between unwinding at the end of the day with a good movie and a glass of wine by myself or with my boyfriend. In fact, I’d rather have him there!

While I don’t need my boyfriend around 24/7, I like being with him as much as possible.

The only time I actively want space from a man is when I’m mad at him or no longer interested in him.

When you ask for space–or worse, just take space–most women assume the worst. A woman can take a request for space very personally because if she wanted space, it would likely be because her man did something wrong, so she assumes that your need for space means she did something wrong.

So, it’s very important to explain WHY you are taking the space. Make sure you ask for space in a nice tone of voice, with plenty of reassurance that you taking space doesn’t mean anything negative about her.

One of the worst things you can do is ask for space with anger, or by calling her clingy, or just storming out without explanation because “you don’t have to answer to her.” This will throw gasoline on the fire because her worst fears (that she is doing something wrong) have just been founded.

If she thinks she’s done something wrong, she won’t want to let you go until she knows how to fix it. Saying that the way to fix it is by giving you space is like saying, “There’s nothing you can do.” This will only make her feel helpless, which will make her feel (and act) desperate.

Even if you are upset with her, then tell her you need space to deal with it so you don’t take things out on her unnecessarily. Make it clear that your anger is YOUR issue that YOU need to deal with–by taking space.

Again, reassurance is key. Make sure she knows that the reason you need space is for you, not because of her.

2. Say What
Let your woman know what you are doing when you are taking space (and be honest about this!). Shifty or vague answers might make her suspicious that you are cheating on her or doing something behind her back.

After you say why you need space, follow it up with what you plan to do. For example…

“I’m gonna go for a walk.”
“I’m gonna go play a video game for a couple of hours.”

If she asks for details, don’t get defensive, because this just makes you seem suspicious. Offer up as many details as she asks for. Even better, offer up details before she asks. This establishes trust.

If you feel like you can’t tell her what you do when she’s not around, then there are bigger issues of trust that need to be dealt with on both sides.

3. Say When
Let her know when you are going to take space. Again, a lot of men, when they need space, just take space. They stop calling or they don’t show up. If it’s because of a fight, they just storm out.

The problem is that then we aren’t sure if you’re just taking space or gone for good.

So not only is it a good idea to let a woman know when you are taking space, it’s also important to let her know when you’ll be back. This is true for any stage of a relationship.

You don’t need to make a big deal out of this. Simply say, “I feel burnt out. I need a couple days for myself to recharge. I’ll see you Friday–I’ll pick you up at seven for the show.”

Or, if you and she had an argument and you need to cool off, you could say, “I need to take a walk and clear my head. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

This reassures her that you aren’t leaving for good. When I don’t know when my man will return from his “cave,” I get fearful that he’s never coming back, and then I don’t want to let him go in the first place. When I know when he’s coming back, I know that he IS coming back.

Also, I know how long to leave him alone for and I don’t interrupt him.

This brings me to a bonus #4: Come back better than when you left.

If you come back more distant and irritable than you were before, she will dread giving you space and get suspicious of what you do when you’re away.

If, on the other hand, you come back from your hiatus in a better, more fun and affectionate mood, you are showing her that she will benefit from giving you space, and she will be more willing and excited to give you your much-needed space in the future.