How to *Really* Flirt

If you don’t know how to flirt, then you won’t be successful at creating attraction. Maybe that seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised at how many men I’ve talked with who think that what they need is better conversation skills, when what they really need is better flirting skills.

Flirting isn’t about being a good, witty conversationalist; it’s about knowing how to infuse a conversation with sexual energy.

Lots of people–men and women–don’t think they know how to flirt, but that’s just because they don’t know what flirting really is. They think that in order to flirt you need to be quick with a witty response to everything the object of your affection has to say.

But flirting has nothing to do with how clever you are in conversation! In fact, next time you are out, eavesdrop on people who are flirting with each other and you will notice that these are some of the silliest, stupidest conversations you’ve ever heard.

I remember being at a party and flirting heavily with one of the guys there. Everyone around us commented to me, “Wow, you two are really flirting!”

Do you know what we said to each other? It was something like…

Him: You like martinis? (I was drinking one)
Me: Yeah.
Him: With vodka or gin?
Me: Both, but I like gin a little better.
Him: With olives?
Me: Yes, lots of olives.

Yes, this is the brilliant, witty stuff that most flirtation is made of.

The majority of sexual energy (as in, “I want to f*ck you!”) is not communicated through just words; it’s communicated through body language and tone of voice. The words are there just as a vehicle; most of the time, it doesn’t matter what they are. You can be a really good flirt even if you don’t have anything clever to say!

In fact, the more intellectual a conversation becomes, the less likely it is to keep the flirty energy. These kinds of conversations often turn into academic debates, where the focus is more on the surface content (ie. what’s being said) and less on the exchange of sexual energy.

Flirting is about dipping your toe in and testing the waters. For example, we often say things like, “I’m flirting with the idea of taking tennis lessons.” Flirting in a sexual context is creating attraction with someone and seeing if they are interested in you first before you make a commitment to the relationship.

When you flirt with a woman, you are sending out “small tastes” of sexual energy to see how they are received. For example, as you are talking, you might lean in closer until your elbows touch. If she leans into your elbow and smiles, then she is receiving the advance. Then next time you advance a little more… 😉

Remember that flirting goes beyond physical touch. Most people have a flirty tone of voice that’s a little different than their normal tone of voice–and yes, you do know how to do this. Say something out loud right now in a regular voice and a flirty voice and you’ll hear that you know how to flirt.

So next time you are talking with a woman that you find attractive, realize that flirting is simply about testing the waters to see if you like her and if she likes you, too. Use your flirty voice, playfully touch her arms and shoulders, and brush hair from her face–these are all examples of flirting. This is what will build the attraction, not how clever your words are.

If you still feel like you need some help in the flirting department, then I highly recommend checking out The Art of Flirting Workshop. This is an entire workshop dedicated to learning how to become a master at flirting.


  1. Skwadim says:

    “The majority of sexual energy (as in, “I want to f*ck you!”) is not communicated through just words; it’s communicated through body language and tone of voice.”

    This may sound like a stupid question, but do you have a video that demonstrates this? is it possible to make one?

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