‘I Just Don’t Think of You That Way’

Has a woman ever said this to you?

This or similar phrases are the precursor to the dreaded Friend Zone, where you want her…and she wants to be just friends.

There’s a difference between being friends with a woman and being in the Friend Zone. Most men who are naturals at dating and attraction have platonic friendships with women (yes, it’s possible!).

The Friend Zone is not a mutual platonic friendship; it’s a one-sided relationship, unbalanced by the fact that you want her sexually but she doesn’t ‘think of you that way.’ The Friend Zone is not a healthy dynamic for anyone involved.

If you find yourself consistently ending up in the Friend Zone, then you’ll need to learn how to get out of it. That starts with understanding why a guy ends up in the Friend Zone in the first place.

Look at the phrase, ‘I just don’t think of you that way.’ (Or, ‘I don’t feel that way about you.’) What is ‘that way’? Sexual. Obviously…

But she’s not saying she doesn’t feel sexually attracted to you so much as she’s expressing that she doesn’t think or feel you as a sexual being.

If she did, she wouldn’t feel comfortable paling around with you all the time. She might not want to date you, but she wouldn’t make you her shopping buddy.

In this way, the Friend Zone is worse than outright rejection. When a woman turns you down or blows you off, it’s because she knows that if she went out with you, she would be engaged in an interaction that involves sexual energy. In the Friend Zone, your sexual desire for her is not getting through, or at least isn’t enough to make her think she has to do anything about it. She sees you as safe (a.k.a. sterile).

Assuming that there is potential for sexual chemistry (ie. your pheromones are giving you both the green light to reproduce), then if you’re still in the Friend Zone, it’s because you are not in touch with your own sexual energy.

“WHAT?!” You might be thinking, “I’m very aware of my sexual energy! I’m horny all the time!”

Yeah, that’s not what I mean… 🙂

What I mean is, men who end up in the Friend Zone are usually running some unconscious beliefs about the ‘way’ they are sexually inadequate. When a woman tells this type of guy, “I don’t think of you that way,” she is really just reflecting back to him what he believes about himself. He is the one who doesn’t think of himself that way.

Now, lots of guys will look at how a Friend-Zoned guy is behaving and think that those behaviors cause the Friend Zone. For example, a guy in the Friend Zone will do things with his “friend” that she does with her girl friends, like shopping for clothes or having deep conversations that go on for hours. But acting too much like her gal pal is a symptom of the Friend Zone, not the cause. To say that engaging in these activities causes the Friend Zone is like saying that a runny nose causes a cold.

If you–and she–thought of you ‘that way,’ you could go shoe shopping with her, drink cosmos, watch Sex and the City together, and have long, emotionally vulnerable conversations, and none of that would take away your sexual power.

In fact, all of these activities would probably increase her level of attraction for you.

But HOW?! You might ask…

When you’re in the Friend Zone, you can go out to a candlelight dinner with her–an activity typically reserved for date nights–and she won’t think twice about it. You can cuddle on the couch watching movies and you’ll still end up sleeping alone. So you know that the Friend Zone has nothing to do with the activities you do together.

But when you’re not in the Friend Zone, anything you do together is a date. If you go clothes shopping together, it’s a date. If you go see that new Jennifer Aniston flick, it’s a date. If you spend hours gossiping and sharing emotionally vulnerable stories over a cup of tea, it’s a date!

Many PUAs will tell you not to act like her friend unless you want to be just friends. This is ridiculous. Friendship is part of dating–if you don’t get along or enjoy spending time together or have anything in common, then how do you expect anything to progress with her?

When you are sexually confident and it shows, then the same things that bond her with her girl friends will bond her closer to you–in a good way. That’s what dating is. Whatever activity you do now serves to strengthen the bond and amp up the attraction. She will see you as someone that she can shop with and sleep with, and that makes you stand out as an exceptional man.

While men with solid inner game and sexual confidence often have healthy friendships with women, they do not chase women and end up in the Friend Zone. These men can do whatever they want with a woman and she will be excited about it (Wow, he’s spending time helping me pick out shoes–he must really like me! Yay!).

So if you find yourself in the Friend Zone, stop, take a deep breath, and look deep inside yourself for any lingering beliefs that you might have about your ability and/or adequacy as a sexual being. After all, if you don’t think of yourself ‘that way,’ how do you expect her to?

Comments

  1. Totally love this post liz.

    “What I mean is, men who end up in the Friend Zone are usually running some unconscious beliefs about the ‘way’ they are sexually inadequate.”

    I think you’re 100% right. but a lot of the time some of us guys (like me) form these beliefs about sexual inadequacy because the women in our lives early on (say around puberty) have told us we’re inadequate. For me, it was my physical appearance, and overall “nerdyness”

    I wonder about any exercises or actual physical actions one can take to feel sexually adequate, without actually having proof that we’re sexually adequate (ie. by actually having sex with women)

    • Anonymous says:

      I hear ya!
      It’s not about proof. You won’t have “proof” one way or another. It’s about what you believe about yourself.

      • Hmm, ah ok gotcha, so the key is to try and believe that about yourself in face of whatever’s telling you not to believe ?

        What is your take on some of the programs out there that prescribe certain actions to try and connect with that sexuality? like “feeling your balls” “feeling your genitals” etc etc… ?

  2. Totally.

    I’ve also seen when a guy feels sexual turn on for a woman, and she doesn’t feel anything for him, it’s because he’s not really turned on by her, but some idea of the two of them together. That the idea of them together is what he is looking for (that will make him feel good about himself in some way or whatever).

    But generally I’ve seen that when a guy is present, and feeling turned on by her right now, and speaks and acts from that place, things work amazingly (either they work out together, or not because she might be in a relationship already, but it usually ends positively.) Because it’s a felt experience on both ends.

    • Skwadim says:

      “it’s because he’s not really turned on by her, but some idea of the two of them together.”

      Isn’t this just six of one and half-dozen of the other? 

      What’s your litmus test for being turned on by “some idea of the two of them together” vs “turned on by her” ? I can say, I’ve been turned on by women, ‘felt it’, and have it go nowhere. Why? Because she’s not reciprocally turned on by me.

      And yes – the idea of me and a hot girl having sex DOES make me feel good about myself, because I’d rather be the kind of person that has sex with hot women, than be the person that doesn’t. If that wasn’t the case, why would I have spent so much time reading PUA material? Why would I log onto a website called “getting inside a woman” ? Would I do all this to feel worse about myself?

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