Recently a woman sent me the following comment in response to my Getting Inside a Woman blog:
“I am a woman and personally…reading posts by a woman advising guys how to “get” women is creepy in itself!!! Liz, are you a female chauvinist? Your fantasies are probably about men in movies raping the ‘glam gal’….”
I don’t normally let stuff like this get to me, but this particular comment is too “ripe with learnings” for me to ignore. Perhaps it was something about her tone, her anger, and her attempts at biting insults (“I know, I’ll accuse her of liking rape! That’ll get her…”). It’s easy to recognize these tools of emotional manipulation, as yours truly has used them before!
There is so much for men to understand about women packed into those three sentences…I can’t even go into it all in one article! So for now I’ll address her question: Am I a female chauvinist?
Actually, if you look up the definition, chauvinism is believing that one group is superior to others. So if I were a “female chauvinist,” I would believe that women are superior to men. I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant, so let’s translate the question as: Am I a female who is a male chauvinist?
No. I believe in equality.
However, I believe that what she really wanted to ask is a question I have been asked countless times: Why would a woman teach men how to attract women?
Maybe you’ve been wondering this too.
Well, the timing is impeccable, because I don’t think I really understood why I did until now…
Four years ago, I would’ve said, “Because men are struggling, and they need our help.”
While this is true, the deeper reason is because women are also suffering, and they need your help.
I have just returned from a weekend away with my wonderful boyfriend. We visited the Grand Canyon for the first time and, well, not to use a cliché, but pictures don’t do it justice.
The Canyon stretches out wider and deeper than the eye can see. It’s a perfect metaphor for the new levels of intimacy, honesty, vulnerability, and love that we have been experiencing in our relationship lately.
I have spent almost a lifetime perfecting the art of emotional manipulation. I was addicted to drama, and lonely inside. My boyfriend isn’t perfect, but he has been trying–holy shit he has been trying so hard!–to love me, and I wouldn’t let him in. Over time we made each other miserable and almost broke up (several times!).
Due to the enormous amount of work we’ve been putting into our relationship recently, things have slowly been improving for a while now. But our weekend together allowed us to be in a quiet place–flanked by two long drives–and gave us plenty of time to talk and open up. I can’t tell you why this time was different than all the other times we’ve sat, talked, and endlessly processed, but something has shifted. Something inside of me has opened wide, like the gra–ok, I’ll stop with the grand canyon metaphors.
Let’s just say, I have never been happier in my whole life than I am now.
The night after we arrived back from our trip, I put on some lingerie and showed off some of my pole dancing moves (which meant the lingerie didn’t stay on for very long. ) After we worked up a good appetite, I cooked us some steaks for dinner. And as I served him his plate, I had a profound and somewhat controversial insight: Most women will never know this happiness.
Now, some people might read this and mistake this as me saying that it’s a woman’s “duty” to give her man hot sex and a hot meal. And yes, that would be a male chauvinistic thing to say…if that’s what I meant (it’s not).
There is a difference between forcing a woman to do something and opening her up so that she is inspired to do it. Forcing (rape being the clearest example) does not open up a woman; it wounds her and closes her down.
Inspiring a woman to find joy where she used to find shame will open her up. This requires having her best interest in mind as well as yours. If you are only trying to open her up sexually so that she will do more “freaky” stuff, this will not create deeper intimacy. But if you are doing it so that she can grow, relax, and be happier, you will both experience greater pleasure.
This is true inside the bedroom and out of it.
We women have been taught that to love a man is degrading. Even when we open our legs, most of us will never truly open our hearts. We have been taught to hide our true selves. We have been taught how to be coy and emotionally manipulative–to bait you so that you will jump through hoop after hoop, believing that you can have us if you just do this one more thing…
So why do I teach men how to get inside a woman? Sorry, fellas, but it’s not so you can get laid. It’s not even so you can get girlfriends and wives.
It’s so that you will know how much we want you and need you.
There are many women out there who write about how to reclaim the femininity that we women have lost in the modern world. Some want to reclaim motherhood. Some, like Sheila Kelly of S Factor (where I now teach pole dancing part-time), are helping women reclaim their sensuality and sexuality.
These are only two of countless examples of women who have made it their mission to help all of us reclaim our femininity.
However, I’ve noticed that many of these women (not all of them!) are forgetting to include you guys in the conversation.
In fact, the other day, I overheard one such woman talking about how “men don’t have any sexual shame the way us women do.” I nearly fell out of my chair. Say WHA–?
Then I remembered that most women have not had the privilege that I have of hearing so many men–whether through email questions, blog comments, or in my personal coaching–share their vulnerabilities.
Actually, one of the main reasons why I created the Art of Flirting brand and began teaching both men and women is because I believe that this conversation is important.
Women need men, and men need women. It’s time that both genders stopped pretending otherwise. There is no career achievement or good friend–heck, even having a child–that can replace the happiness and deep satisfaction that a healthy, loving relationship can bring you. That’s not to say having a good relationship is the meaning of life. Just don’t exclude it because you don’t know how to have one yet!
It doesn’t work if men reclaim their masculinity in this corner and women reclaim their femininity in that corner. You cannot have the yin without the yang.
And trust me, we women ache for the space to be yin–to be feminine. And despite what we may have been telling you all this time, we really can’t do it without you.
I know, deep down, this is why you need us too. It’s not for stripteases and steaks (although those things are very nice). It’s for the softness, the nurturing, the tender support that we provide. Women can provide both the strength to prop you up, and the softness to lay your head upon when you need to rest.
You do not need to sort through the masses or play a “numbers game” to find that “rare good woman” in order to find love. This feminine power, this beauty and this love, is inside every woman. Even the crazy ones.
So when I say “getting inside a woman,” what I mean is to become yang to inspire her yin. Open her up to a deeper love than she has ever experienced before. You’ll both be happier, more loving people for it.
Source of the image: Photl.