Learning to Date Your Wife

couple-on-coffee-date-300x200The other day I went to a women’s networking dinner and I met a woman who, when she found out what I do for a living, responded with, “Oh, I should send my husband to see you. He needs to learn how to date me.” And she’s been married for over 30 years!

You know what’s really crazy, though? She isn’t the first woman to say something like that to me. I’ve met many women who are married or in a long term relationship who wish their boyfriends and husbands knew how to “date them.”

Why is this so profound? Because lots of guys that I talk to think that if they are already in a relationship, they don’t need to learn anything about dating! Not true…there are plenty of guys out there who found a woman to be with even though they are terrible at dating.

Now, you might be wondering…well, if those guys don’t know how to date, how did they end up in those long-term relationships in the first place?

There are many factors that go into a woman’s decision to be with someone…and to fall in love with someone.

For one thing, when a relationship first starts, all kinds of crazy hormones kick in to amp up the sexual chemistry. This honeymoon phase lasts between 2 months and 2 years, depending on who you ask.

The other thing to keep in mind, though, is that a new relationship is exciting because it is new. As a relationship progresses, it’s important to figure out ways to keep the “newness” there as you grow closer and more comfortable with each other.

Each case in unique, but it’s pretty common for the “spark to die” as a relationship progresses long-term if you don’t know what you’re doing (and most people don’t!).

One of the most devastating experiences two people in a loving relationship can have is to get so stuck in a rut that the attraction disappears. I’ve been there, and it’s awful–WAY worse than being lonely and single. When the spark dies, it doesn’t just between two people; it dies within each of the 2 people.

Cheating, burying oneself in work or other hobbies, lack of sex: these are just symptoms of a couple that stopped dating each other because they got too comfortable.

You can’t kick back and think you’re “done” once you’ve already got a woman in your life. Attraction is created in the moment–every time.

Couples who keep the spark going after decades of marriage are constantly re-creating the attraction they experienced the very first time they met.

But there are many other guys out there who don’t understand this concept, and that’s why there are so many women wishing their husbands would “learn how to date them.”

While relationships are common, good relationships are rare. Some people struggle to find someone in the first place; some people have no problem getting into a relationship, but once they are in, that’s when their struggle begins. Either way, if you haven’t dealt with your baggage and really learned how to date, it will catch up to you eventually (that’s true for men and women!).

Dating isn’t just about getting a phone number or getting laid; it’s about laying the foundation for a truly amazing, fulfilling relationship with a woman.

By the way, that’s why the Date Like a Natural weekend intensive  is NOT just about learning how to get dates–it’s about learning how to fire up the spark with a woman–whether you’ve just met her or you’ve been married to her for decades.

Check out the weekend intensive here: http://www.gettinginsideawoman.com/weekend-intensives/date-like-a-natural-weekend

I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough–in order to have one of those rare GOOD relationships, you must know how to consciously create and re-create the spark. The dating never stops, even when you’re married.


  1. Skwadim says:

    “I’ve met many women who are married or in a long term relationship who wish their boyfriends and husbands knew how to “date them.””

    This really rubs me the wrong way. Just the way it’s phrased, “boyfriends knew how to date them” like they want the phase in which they just received, and felt special to continue on for eternity. As Chris Rock says, women look at life as “one big sale” to just “get as much sh*t, before you die”

  2. true, CR’s joke wasn’t exactly appropriate there. But the comment of “I wish he knew how to date me” to me says she’s expecting *him* to be responsible for maintaining the spark there.

    I also just read this line from an article 

    “So you didn’t approach him in the Regency?
    No. One thing I’ve learned about relationships and men is that you can never walk across the room for a man. If a man is attracted to you, he needs to take the first step.”(http://www.gq.com/news-politics/politics/201004/rielle-hunter-john-edwards-exclusive-interview?currentPage=2) It’s kind of related to the topic.  but, I often wonder why this  attitude is so prevalent ? She certainly doesn’t seem to be the only one that expresses thoughts like this?(Not that I want to go out and attract a Rielle Hunter type person)

    • Anonymous says:

      Just as there is bad advice given to men, there is bad advice given to
      women, and a very prevalent piece of bad advice given to women is not to
      approach, not to initiate, to be coy and let him come to you. It’s not that
      waiting for the man to come to you is wrong–nor is approaching a man. There
      is no right or wrong when it comes to “how to date correctly.” But most
      people don’t realize that.

      • Skwadim says:

        right, I mean I’d say its the most  prevalent piece I’ve seen reflected back. I’ve rarely heard a woman say she’d approach, and most don’t claim they don’t approach out of a personal preference, rather they say they don’t approach because ‘thats the way it ought to be’ 

        But thanks for saying it’s bad advice, all we need you to do is get on Oprah and say it there 🙂

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