If you’ve ever wondered what the big deal is about “this romance stuff,” or if you’ve felt left out because you aren’t into it, then it’s probably because you haven’t really understood what romance is. Romance is not flowers, chocolates, and expensive meals. It is not cheesy, or silly, or a Hallmark conspiracy. Nor is it “chick stuff.”
Romance is how the feminine gets turned on. If you are interested in turning women on, then keep reading because romance definitely IS for you. 😉
Men who struggle in the area of dating and relationships–especially men who can’t ever seem to make or keep a woman happy–are often misinformed about what it means to be romantic. But it’s not just about being misinformed; most men I know are genuinely disheartened and bitter about the idea of being romantic. While women worry that they will never find a truly romantic man, men worry that they could never live up to a woman’s expectations of what a truly romantic man is.
So, have you ever had a woman tell you that she wants more romance? More passion? Have you ever had a woman complain and nag you all the time (about anything and everything)?
Have you ever had a woman withhold sex?
Do you often end up in the Friend Zone (Usually Friend Zone’d guys lack “romance” skills)?
Does it seem like your woman is never happy, even though you keep doing what she says she wants from you?
These are all signs of a lack of understanding of what romance is and how to create it. Again, when women want to be seduced, they will often ask for “romance,” not sex. Understand that they wouldn’t be asking for romance unless they also wanted sex.
In order to understand romance, we must first look at the era of Romanticism (late 1700’s – mid 1800’s). The art, music, and philosophy of Romanticism valued emotions, intuition, and imagination over reason and intellect. This applies to romance through all ages; it is, by definition, not a logical or intellectual process. It comes from the depths of primal desire, inspiration, and passion–the part of you that doesn’t think but just feels.
By the way, this is why artists, musicians, and actors have such an easy time attracting women (even the broke, not-famous ones): when a woman sees a man let go and “feel” his art, she desires to be the next thing that he feels. And yes, I mean that in all senses of the word. 😉
Men who spend most of their time in the world of the intellect sometimes struggle with letting go and letting their gut instincts and desires guide their actions for a bit (by the way, some women struggle with this too!). It happens mostly to people who are very intelligent and who are used to being able to problem-solve and figure things out. Romance is frustrating because it is an art, not a science, and cannot ever be “solved.”
Romance can be discussed intellectually, but that is not romantic. The very act of writing this blog, breaking down “romance” into its parts and components, is very unromantic!
Romance is the expression of desire–specifically, YOUR desire for HER. When a woman says she wants romance, she is saying that she wants to feel how much you desire her. This desire can be expressed a million different ways: looking at her a certain way, giving her flowers, sending her a sexy text, filling up her car with gas, giving her a long, deep kiss when she walks in the door…
But the minute you ask, “What is the right way?” the romance is gone. If you’ve ever had a woman say, “If I have to tell you, then it’s not romantic anymore,” then you know what I’m talking about.
Now, of course, to the logical thinker, asking a woman what she wants makes the most sense, because then you would know what to get her. But romance isn’t about what she wants. I know, that sounds weird, but romance is about expressing what you want (to fuck her because she’s so damn desirable!).
If you don’t desire a woman, you can’t be romantic with her, no matter what you do or how many dinners you buy.
This is very different than the bill of goods that most men are sold. The more common gestures of romance (flowers, jewelry, expensive meals) have become mistaken for romance itself. Since women didn’t want to have to tell their partners how to express desire for them, the flower stores and jewelry companies were happy to step in and say, “She won’t tell you this herself, but she wants this expensive bullshit…”
Meanwhile, they are whispering in the ears of the women, “If he doesn’t buy you this expensive bullshit, it’s because you aren’t beautiful or desirable enough…”
Do not confuse a romantic gesture with a status symbol; if you do, both your wallet and your relationship will suffer.
When a woman says she wants romance, she doesn’t want expensive things or cliched gestures. Even SHE might not know the difference, but what she wants is to feel your desire for her.
Most women don’t realize that men struggle with “being romantic” because they have no idea what it really is or how to do it. Most women believe that if their man doesn’t “just know” how to be romantic, it’s because she is not attractive enough to inspire him into a state of passionate, non-logical desire for her.
Do not mistake a desire for romance with a desire for a provider. If you’ve ever known a woman to leave a man (maybe you) who “gave her everything,” then you know that the romance does not come with the gifts.
Gifts are only as good as the desire that inspired the giver to give them. This is why sending a “<3” text message can make her whole day, and a necklace from Tiffany’s can get a “so-so” reaction.
If you want to know what true romance is, go watch a musician get lost in the beauty of the music. Go watch an artist paint or sculpt. Go watch how an athlete lets go and trusts his body to perform. Better yet, do it yourself! What activities do you feel inspired to do? Get lost in an activity where you can easily flow instead of think.
Learn to express desire for a woman–whether one you just met, or one you’ve been with for years.
Now, wait, you might be thinking, “But I’ve done that. I’ve expressed deep desire from my gut, and it didn’t work!”
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that most women–like most men–have completely lost the ability to create romance. While some men struggle with expressing romantic desire because it requires them to feel with their guts instead of think with their heads, other men know how to express desire, but have gotten out of the habit because women don’t always react well.
So, first, an apology from me on behalf of all women who have asked, begged, pleaded for romance…and then laughed at all of your attempts to create it. I’m sorry.
I know how frustrating it is for a man to want so badly to make a woman happy, and for him to say, “Here, I did ‘X’ because I desire you so much,” and for a woman to respond with, “Oh…that’s nice. But I really wanted ‘Y’…”
Of course, the logical response is to get “Y” next time, but that doesn’t do it either, because then it’s not an authentic expression of your desire, you were just doing what she told you to do, so now it’s not romantic anymore…
Romance is not logical. It is not an equation to solve; it is a desire to express. This is what she wants, even if she tells you otherwise. Even if for a moment she is insecure because somehow she bought into the belief that if you really loved her you’d get (fill-in-expensive-gift-here) instead of (whatever you did that came from the heart).
Just as many men struggle with being strong, passionate, expressive masculine men, many women struggle with being truly soft, feminine, and receptive.
When your romantic gesture truly comes from that deep desire in your gut–in your heart–and she makes it wrong, don’t take it personally. Don’t believe that it is wrong. The nice thing about something coming from desire and imagination rather than intellect is that there is no right or wrong.
Whether you are learning to trust your gut for the first time, or re-learning to trust your gut after so many women trained you out of doing so, practice staying true to your gut. This is the key to being romantic (ie. creating sexual energy) with a woman.