Romance vs. Logic

Men, let’s get one thing straight right now: when a woman says she wants (more) romance, what she is really saying is that she wants more sexual energy.

If you’ve ever wondered what the big deal is about “this romance stuff,” or if you’ve felt left out because you aren’t into it, then it’s probably because you haven’t really understood what romance is. Romance is not flowers, chocolates, and expensive meals. It is not cheesy, or silly, or a Hallmark conspiracy. Nor is it “chick stuff.”

Romance is how the feminine gets turned on. If you are interested in turning women on, then keep reading because romance definitely IS for you. 😉

Men who struggle in the area of dating and relationships–especially men who can’t ever seem to make or keep a woman happy–are often misinformed about what it means to be romantic. But it’s not just about being misinformed; most men I know are genuinely disheartened and bitter about the idea of being romantic. While women worry that they will never find a truly romantic man, men worry that they could never live up to a woman’s expectations of what a truly romantic man is.

So, have you ever had a woman tell you that she wants more romance? More passion? Have you ever had a woman complain and nag you all the time (about anything and everything)?

Have you ever had a woman withhold sex?

Do you often end up in the Friend Zone (Usually Friend Zone’d guys lack “romance” skills)?

Does it seem like your woman is never happy, even though you keep doing what she says she wants from you?

These are all signs of a lack of understanding of what romance is and how to create it. Again, when women want to be seduced, they will often ask for “romance,” not sex. Understand that they wouldn’t be asking for romance unless they also wanted sex.

In order to understand romance, we must first look at the era of Romanticism (late 1700’s – mid 1800’s). The art, music, and philosophy of Romanticism valued emotions, intuition, and imagination over reason and intellect. This applies to romance through all ages; it is, by definition, not a logical or intellectual process. It comes from the depths of primal desire, inspiration, and passion–the part of you that doesn’t think but just feels.

By the way, this is why artists, musicians, and actors have such an easy time attracting women (even the broke, not-famous ones): when a woman sees a man let go and “feel” his art, she desires to be the next thing that he feels. And yes, I mean that in all senses of the word. 😉

Men who spend most of their time in the world of the intellect sometimes struggle with letting go and letting their gut instincts and desires guide their actions for a bit (by the way, some women struggle with this too!). It happens mostly to people who are very intelligent and who are used to being able to problem-solve and figure things out. Romance is frustrating because it is an art, not a science, and cannot ever be “solved.”

Romance can be discussed intellectually, but that is not romantic. The very act of writing this blog, breaking down “romance” into its parts and components, is very unromantic!

Romance is the expression of desire–specifically, YOUR desire for HER. When a woman says she wants romance, she is saying that she wants to feel how much you desire her. This desire can be expressed a million different ways: looking at her a certain way, giving her flowers, sending her a sexy text, filling up her car with gas, giving her a long, deep kiss when she walks in the door…

But the minute you ask, “What is the right way?” the romance is gone. If you’ve ever had a woman say, “If I have to tell you, then it’s not romantic anymore,” then you know what I’m talking about.

Now, of course, to the logical thinker, asking a woman what she wants makes the most sense, because then you would know what to get her. But romance isn’t about what she wants. I know, that sounds weird, but romance is about expressing what you want (to fuck her because she’s so damn desirable!).

If you don’t desire a woman, you can’t be romantic with her, no matter what you do or how many dinners you buy.

This is very different than the bill of goods that most men are sold. The more common gestures of romance (flowers, jewelry, expensive meals) have become mistaken for romance itself. Since women didn’t want to have to tell their partners how to express desire for them, the flower stores and jewelry companies were happy to step in and say, “She won’t tell you this herself, but she wants this expensive bullshit…”

Meanwhile, they are whispering in the ears of the women, “If he doesn’t buy you this expensive bullshit, it’s because you aren’t beautiful or desirable enough…”

Do not confuse a romantic gesture with a status symbol; if you do, both your wallet and your relationship will suffer.

When a woman says she wants romance, she doesn’t want expensive things or cliched gestures. Even SHE might not know the difference, but what she wants is to feel your desire for her.

Most women don’t realize that men struggle with “being romantic” because they have no idea what it really is or how to do it. Most women believe that if their man doesn’t “just know” how to be romantic, it’s because she is not attractive enough to inspire him into a state of passionate, non-logical desire for her.

Do not mistake a desire for romance with a desire for a provider. If you’ve ever known a woman to leave a man (maybe you) who “gave her everything,” then you know that the romance does not come with the gifts.

Gifts are only as good as the desire that inspired the giver to give them. This is why sending a “<3” text message can make her whole day, and a necklace from Tiffany’s can get a “so-so” reaction.

If you want to know what true romance is, go watch a musician get lost in the beauty of the music. Go watch an artist paint or sculpt. Go watch how an athlete lets go and trusts his body to perform. Better yet, do it yourself! What activities do you feel inspired to do? Get lost in an activity where you can easily flow instead of think.

Learn to express desire for a woman–whether one you just met, or one you’ve been with for years.

Now, wait, you might be thinking, “But I’ve done that. I’ve expressed deep desire from my gut, and it didn’t work!”

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that most women–like most men–have completely lost the ability to create romance. While some men struggle with expressing romantic desire because it requires them to feel with their guts instead of think with their heads, other men know how to express desire, but have gotten out of the habit because women don’t always react well.

So, first, an apology from me on behalf of all women who have asked, begged, pleaded for romance…and then laughed at all of your attempts to create it. I’m sorry.

I know how frustrating it is for a man to want so badly to make a woman happy, and for him to say, “Here, I did ‘X’ because I desire you so much,” and for a woman to respond with, “Oh…that’s nice. But I really wanted ‘Y’…”

Of course, the logical response is to get “Y” next time, but that doesn’t do it either, because then it’s not an authentic expression of your desire, you were just doing what she told you to do, so now it’s not romantic anymore…

Romance is not logical. It is not an equation to solve; it is a desire to express. This is what she wants, even if she tells you otherwise. Even if for a moment she is insecure because somehow she bought into the belief that if you really loved her you’d get (fill-in-expensive-gift-here) instead of (whatever you did that came from the heart).

Just as many men struggle with being strong, passionate, expressive masculine men, many women struggle with being truly soft, feminine, and receptive.

When your romantic gesture truly comes from that deep desire in your gut–in your heart–and she makes it wrong, don’t take it personally. Don’t believe that it is wrong. The nice thing about something coming from desire and imagination rather than intellect is that there is no right or wrong.

Whether you are learning to trust your gut for the first time, or re-learning to trust your gut after so many women trained you out of doing so, practice staying true to your gut. This is the key to being romantic (ie. creating sexual energy) with a woman.


  1. “When a woman says she wants romance, she doesn’t want expensive things or cliched gestures. Even SHE might not know the difference, but what she wants is to feel your desire for her.”

    Ok, but what if she believes expensive things and cliched gestures are indicative of “desire for her” ? So many online dating profiles say women want “guys that are chivalrous” ?

    Also I think it’s worth mentioning that romance and romanticism are traditionally western ideas, not endemic to the male/female relating (at least not to me) but societal impositions. 

    • True that romance and Romanticism are Western ideas–they are the more Western way of talking about something that is inherit in all romantic relationships. Many Eastern traditions talk about trusting your gut and expressing emotions from the gut as valuable and important as well as logical thought. The emotional aspect is just as important as the mental/intellectual aspect of ourselves.

      “Chivalry” is another word for “Romance.” The same principles in this article apply to women who say they want chivalry.

      • Fair enough, many eastern traditions talk about a three part system, personal experience (which I guess in a way is your ‘gut’), knowledge gained from books (which in a way is logic), and a third, which is knowledge gained from teachers (like, for ex.. you! 🙂 ) because that’s both experiential (your experience) and logical (ie you’re logically propagating information, even if you’re ultimately telling us to ignore logical reasoning, you’re using logical reasoning to convince us to do it!)

        I was just saying romance has very strong western connotations (the word root itself is “romans” as in from rome, the cultural seat of western civilization in many ways)But more practically, I don’t see how one can separate the abstract concept of “feeling desire for her” separate to the “cliche” activities of buying drinks, buying dinners, etc etc..I’ve heard many stories of women saying things like “if so-and-so didnt’ pay for everything, I would have moved on to the next one” (or some variant) How does one engage in “feeling desire for someone” or “romance” without doing any of these actions that are so closely associated with it?Also – I wonder if these women are actually saying  they want us to *believe* in things like romance and chivalry. Because many (including me) really don’t, but we’ll engage in them in some form because that’s what’s expected.

        • I never said to ignore logical thinking altogether! Both are important–the mental and the emotional.

          Also, to separate–keep in mind that a lot of women, just like a lot of men, suffer from confusing romance and status symbols. But just take a look at a “love story” cliche–the woman who is destined to marry rich and instead falls in love with a poor man (the gardener, etc.). Women who look for *things* to supply chivalry and romance are unaware of how to really get what they want. They are asking for something that they think will get them what they really want–like someone who keeps drinking every time they want to relax, and then eventually they confuse the desire for relaxation with the desire for vodka.

  2. “romance is about expressing what you want (to fuck her because she’s so damn desirable!).” Guys do this all the time and you call them needy. Maybe telling them that romance is illogical is a cop-out way of saying “if I wanted the same thing you wanted, I would be pleasing you. I was not created to please man, I do not owe you anything. therefore, your attempts at romance with me, your expression of desire for me, just isn’t going to cut it. but wait a minute, if i tell you all this, you’ll see the truth about women, so we’ll just call romance “illogical.” Case closed.

  3. “…artists, musicians, and actors have such an easy time attracting women (even the broke, not-famous ones):”

    As a fledgling guitarist, I hope Liz is right! 🙂

    But as an aspiring musician, one of the most interesting components to this whole discussion – a side issue from your point, Liz, but I hope you’ll permit me – is the amount of time, dedication and sacrifice required to practice one’s art at a high level.

    To get to the point where you “feel” the music – or the paint or the seam in the defensive line – takes a terrific amount of energy.

    You gotta work hard to make it look easy!

    There’s probably something primal in the attraction science about all this. And, if you look at the relationship histories of famous artists, athletes and even musicians … they may or may not get it right in the long term.

    Very interesting stuff. Great post, Liz. Not only one of your best, but one of the best I’ve seen on “romance.”


  4. When I was a teenager I got no one to guide me . Wish some one like you helped me. I was so nice to every lady, they used me . Bad memories 

  5. I was at a food court having my meals ,I saw beautiful  girl what really catch me was her ass , I really want to talk to her but at that time I don’t know how to start a talk….. can you sit next to me and have ur meals? or  What if I said I want to touch your ass?. ( that what really comes from my heart). But she going to rude to me or play hard to get?.

    • A topic that’s covered in other articles (and future article)

    • Personally, I’ve delivered lines such as:

      “You have fantastic boobs/ass/legs.” Many times and had it received very, very well. The thing about this is, I have my sexual energy under my own conscious direction, not only that I have a huge history of appreciating the female form in my art and life.

      Any comment or expression you are going to give, needs to be SOLID. PURE. and MATCH YOU.

      If it does, there is no fear of rejection, because if she doesn’t take it well, you know she’s not a match for the real you! 🙂

  6. “but romance is about expressing what you want (to fuck her because she’s so damn desirable!).”

    Quotable line 😀 Amen to this 🙂

  7. I’m female and I vote for logic over romance. Or I do the “impossible” by finding ways to make romance logical.

    Candlelit homemade dinners romantically save money and conserve electricity. Plus if the person doing the cooking is really good it might be better than a restaurant anyway and there might be leftovers (I’m cheap, okay? I’d be extra pleased if the guy makes spaghetti the way Dad makes it since that’s my favorite food). Also, you can have a something that both people like instead of just picking something off a menu that’s probably expensive. Just don’t tell the more romantic partner how it’s logical because that will totally ruin the mood induced by said dinner.

    Showering together can be sexy while saving on your water bill and conserving water. You can help each other get to those hard to reach places, you have an excuse to touch each other, and you get to see each other naked even if it doesn’t lead to sex. Hopefully, if one or both of you sings in the shower nobody is tone deaf, but hey if both of you like doing it you can sing together which is romantic (I favor songs from The Little Mermaid to go with the watery environment; too much Disney).

    Dancing is a healthy and energetic couple’s activity that hopefully both of you will enjoy (personally, it takes me a little while to get it into it, but once I get started I have a lot of fun). Fast-paced dances give you a good cardio workout and can help work on muscle tone while more classical dances require decent coordination and could help you build coordination. Plus if one of you has joint problems exercise helps with the pain while strengthening the joint. Bonus points for more “hands-on” dancing at home potentially leading to a different kind of dance. Yes, I’ve watched Dirty Dancing too many times.

    Hey, I could use these logical arguments on whoever I end up with if I want romance since I’m likely to fall for a Spock (my brother-in-law has called me a Vulcan and my friends agreed with him).

  8. Frank Booth says:

    While cultivating a friendship with an acquaintance who was a very neglected housewife, we found ourselves in the throes of our first sexual encounter. Passion was running VERY high and as I was kissing her neck and exploring her nether region, I whispered in a earthy tone, “… tell me what you want Baby …”. She immediately whispered back: “Tell me you want me, that you desire me … and why. I need to hear you tell me!” That wasn’t hard to do since I had been taking inventory for months when we’d meet and chat exactly why I was possibly stepping into a morally dangerous venue I had never been before. So being asked the question that was MOST important to her, I had a myriad of answers, … Which supports totally Liz’ article here.
    The lady and I still see each other, sexual energy is never better, …. and yes, she never has to ask me again what she wants to hear as my heart speaks to her heart through the romance that she craves. Yes, she is still married on paper in a loveless marriage – which will never change due to family, children, and financial entrapments.

  9. Awesome! Just what I needed. I am an EXTREMELY logical person. A+B=C. Nope, not with my wife. Thank you for breaking that down so I can understand I really REALLY need to get my flippin’ brain out of the way!

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