Searching For The Perfect Woman?

I know, I know, there’s no such thing as “perfect.” But there is such a thing as the perfect woman for you, and if you want to actually have a good, healthy, sexy, satisfying and fulfilling relationship, then you must not settle for anything less!

One of the biggest issues that I see in dating and relationships is that often people don’t really choose who they are with. They “end up” dating; it “just happens.”

One of my guy friends recently told me that things were becoming more serious with a woman he had been casually dating. I was surprised, because he previously told me that he didn’t want a committed relationship (also, he thought she was a bit psycho). When I asked what made him change his mind, he just gave me a puzzled look and said, “It’s just going in that direction.” Really, dude? It’s not a moving car…

This is how most people end up together–they “fall into a relationship.” A relationship is not something you fall into. A lake is something you fall into when you lean too far off the edge of the boat. A relationship is something that you consciously choose to co-create with another person.

(Don’t even get me started on the phrase “falling” in love…) 😉

If you are not actively, consciously choosing the perfect woman for you, then no other dating or relationship technique in the world will help you.

Now maybe you’ve heard this idea of being selective before, but being selective isn’t just about choosing the hottest or the least crazy in the bunch. It’s also not about “no longer putting up with crap from women.”

That’s not to say that you should put up with crap from women–of course you shouldn’t–but if that’s what you think being selective is all about, then you are missing the point.

One key to finding your perfect woman is understanding what will happen when you do. Because finding your perfect woman doesn’t mean that everything will be “perfect” from now on.

What some men do, when they first hear about being selective, is they mistake that to mean that any slight misstep, emotional outburst, or conflict means that he should run for the hills because, “I don’t have to put up with this high-maintenance crap; I’m selective now.”

I even heard of one guy who turned down a fantastic woman because she was a 30 minute drive away! That’s not selectivity; that’s laziness.

What you must realize about your perfect woman is that she–BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR PERFECT WOMAN–will find your boundaries, your weaknesses and your deeply hidden wounds better and faster than other women would. This is what makes her so perfect for you; she will find the parts of you that need nurturing and healing.

Now there is no excuse for abusive behavior from a woman. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fact that when you choose a woman to date–and especially in a committed relationship–you are also choosing new challenges to overcome.

All relationships have challenges to overcome. Don’t try to run away from these in the hopes that another, more “perfect” woman won’t make you face them. This would be like wishing you knew how to play tennis like a pro but firing every teacher that actually made you exert the effort to pick up the racket.

In order to truly be selective, you have to know what kind of woman you want. And you have to be more specific than a “sexy, intelligent woman who is fun to spend time with and not crazy or flakey.” Get specific.

Most men are still looking for a security blanket, a “mommy,” or a piece of arm candy. But if you want something more than that, then you need to step up and really make a choice when it comes to the woman you are going to be in a relationship with.

It all comes down to doing the deep, transformational work to both uncovering what kind of woman you want, and becoming the kind of man that she would want, too. I’ve actually put together a whole weekend workshop on how to find and attract your perfect woman. Most men miss the difference between an girl who creates “drama” vs a woman who brings up your “stuff” so you can release it. How do you tell the difference? Check out more details about the intensive.

Your perfect woman will be your best source of self-discovery and self-development if you let her. That means that you have to recognize that her function is not to make your life easier; it’s to make your life better.


  1. [quote]What you must realize about your perfect woman is that she–BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR PERFECT WOMAN–will find your boundaries, your weaknesses and your deeply hidden wounds better and faster than other women would. [/quote]

    This is a very interesting notion. My thinking is, that the ones we are attracted to often expresses some parts of ourselves that we have repressed. So meeting this someone is a catalyst for growth, but it is also a difficult venture which we often shy away from. Often we avoid this challenge by rationalizing “She was not right”, “I am no longer in love” or even worse “I was never in love with her”.

    I hope you will write some more about this subject – and in general about how you find out if a woman is the right one. To me, that is even more foundational than learning conversational skills etc.

    • Anonymous says:

      Great insights! There will be more on this topic for sure…and also we go into this in a lot more depth at the Attract A Quality Woman weekend intensive

    • these are very profound observations.

      I say this, because it feels like you have described my situation perfectly and have brought clarity that I have felt, but not quite understood as you’ve described. both of you. I have reached the point of questioning if she was right for me, right in the head, etc. I shied away from the companionship, the challenge, the beauty of what we were nurturing. I lost interest, and I didn’t know why. The worst part of it is that the relationship has now fallen on hard times. We’ve separated in order to find ourselves, create some space, exercise our personal demons, achieve our personal objectives. But since we’ve decided on this direction, our connection has been amplified on all levels except intimacy, as I think that we had each been in a prolonged state of depression and almost completely lost our libido. Now with all these questions, and sex seems like a complicating element, at least from her perspective.

      The way I see it now, is that Ale (my incredibly bright, soulful, sassy, sexy, vulnerable, sweet and spicy love) and I have taken the easy road, wondering if we are “no longer in love”, whether or not true attraction existed. Liz Leia’s comment about “falling into a relationship” poses many questions, that neither I nor Ale can answer for ourselves at this moment. Are we part of this category? Without giving more context, because I would need hours and am feeling too raw to hash through the feelings, I can say without question that she is the perfect woman for me. Plain and simply, she’s the one because the quote that Alf referenced.

      Her insight, her intelligence, her ability to understand me better than my parents, siblings or even friends understand me, and for that matter my ex-wife, has allowed me to witness the issues, insecurities I have, but at the same token also see the strengths and virtues that I had no idea were bottled inside me. How unnerving, but at the same time how revealing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a basket case, I am intelligent, charming and have above average looks. But I can and must give her credit for helping me see that I need to embark on the real self-discovery healing and development that I have lacked for years. But without her, I feel a tremendous void. I still can’t get my head around how this can be.

      So the question is, knowing that she is that woman for me, and that she has enough interest to maintain open the lines of communication and maintain hope that we can resurrect the intimacy, the attraction, the happiness that we had created, can I make the discoveries, improvements quickly enough?

      I don’t know… I’ve rambled on, probably in my scatter brained state in which I find myself these days…

      This site is interesting, these ideas are innovative.

      Tell more…


      • I probably will write more about this in the future. Also, there are two books on this topic that I highly recommend:
        *Getting the Love You Want*, by Harville Hendrix
        *Why We Pick the Mates We Do*, by Anne Teachworth

        To know if it’s right, look at whether or not the challenge is rewarded. Is she there supporting you, with compassion, and are you growing together? Or is she mis-treating you. Mis-treating someone is not the same as challenging them to grow. The difference is that she has your best interest, and the relationship’s best interest in mind, instead of just her own best interest.

  2. Amen to this. I love it. I also have an exercise/tool I use to help with this.

    It’s a brainstorm/mindmap on the qualities, talents, and interests that suit you best in your mate, using past experience as a springboard.

    For example, a few of the many qualities which are important to me are: radiance, devotion, understanding, vulnerability, playfulness, etc.

    A few interests that are important to me are: sexuality, expression, movement, creativity, travel, etc.

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