The Power of the Pussy

It’s funny, of all of the things I’ve shared with you over the last several years, there is one story I haven’t told yet: the story of how I got all the Skittles. I’ve had several clients express frustration that “women can get whatever they want just because they have a vagina.” This story addresses just that.

To be honest, this is less of a “how-to” article and more of me sharing, vulnerably, from the woman’s perspective. I know that many of you have probably already heard the idea that you shouldn’t “put the pussy on a pedestal.” What you might not have heard, though, is an actual story from a woman about the moment she realized that, because she was a girl, she could get more than her “fair share” from men who thought she was pretty.

I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying that women should act entitled or that we are entitled, nor am I saying, oh well, most women have been trained to feel and act entitled, so deal with it. I’m sharing this so that you understand “how it happens” that women learn to act entitled. That way, you don’t have to buy into it, and you can compassionately help the women you date not to buy into it either.

When I was a teenager, I spent my summers at a camp in Maine, and it was at this summer camp that I got my first boyfriend. I was 12 years old. His name was Andy. He was sweet and nice and really liked me.

Now at this camp, they had a store where you could purchase supplies like flashlights, sweatshirts, and bug spray. They also sold candy, but because most kids (when away from parental supervision) will OD on candy, the candy sales were limited. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, kids whose last names started with A-K could purchase one piece of candy. On Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, kids with last names starting with L-Z could purchase their candy (store was closed Sundays). Thus, every kid got only 3 pieces of candy per week.

When Andy and I became boyfriend and girlfriend, I devised a plan: since he could buy candy on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I could buy candy the opposite days, if we split our candy in half, we could both enjoy the sweet joy of sugar every day of the week. It was a perfect plan of sharing, equality, splitting everything 50/50.

Except, even though he agreed that it was a good idea, that’s not what happened.

The next day, I offered him half of my candy bar. He shook his head.

“No, it’s your candy. You should have it.”

“Are you sure? What about our plan?”

“Yeah, but I don’t like that kind. I like Skittles.”  So I ate all the candy.

The next day, he indeed got a bag of Skittles. I held out my hands and said, “Just give me a few, because you didn’t get any yesterday.” He poured well over half of the bag into my hand.

“You can have all of those.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I don’t really care about the candy. And I know it will make you happy.”

With my sweet tooth, that was like winning the lottery!

But wait, even at age 12, I knew that relationships were supposed to be equal, 50/50, and that I wasn’t supposed to take more than my fair share just because I was a pretty girl.

I was, however, pretty damn tempted to do it anyway. :)

Besides, Andy wouldn’t let me! He refused every time I offered to share the Skittles with him. He kept insisting that he was happier to let me have all the candy.

Well, as I got older, the Skittles were replaced by drinks, dinners, and movie tickets. But the principle stayed the same; in the back of my mind, there was a little voice that said, “Why do your equal part, when he’s so willing to let you have all the goodies?”

Now, in my current relationship, I make sure that things are equally balanced. I can do that now because I had to re-train myself to once again value a 50/50 relationship after being ruined by Skittles.

As a man, you must be able to acknowledge a woman’s beauty, and you must also realize that this is only a physical appearance trait, and it does not mean you should treat her like a diety.

Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe you haven’t, but either way, I know very few men who have actually gotten to the place where they don’t think of hot women as above them or out of their league…

And if you are still rating women by a number, as in, “She’s a 10,” (even unconsciously), then you have not yet outgrown this mentality.

If you are still thinking that the best you can do is a model or a stripper, then you have definitely not yet outgrown this mentality. Nothing against models and strippers — as long as they have more than just looks going for them.

I talk to so many men who are angry at women for using their “pussy power” to get stuff, but it’s those same men who happily hand over the stuff! If you don’t think women should have gifts tossed at their feet (or get more of their fair share of the Skittles) just because they’re hot, then, as the saying goes, be the change you want to see.

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give things to a woman. There might even be times when you let her have the whole candy bar. But don’t do that just because she is pretty. Do that because she is a pretty damn amazing woman who makes your life better.

Comments

  1. Liz, great story

    I agree that girls when they’re little are much better in terms of equality fairness, unfortunately I have no desire to be the next Woody Allen. But I remember describing to my family, this fancy restaurant that my married friends went to, at over $300/plate, and my 10 yr old female cousin who was there listening said, “why spend that much on food when you can get the hashbrowns at dunkin donuts for a dollar?” We all laughed and I told her never to lose that line of thinking.I think a lot of the male behavior at that age comes from male on male pressure also. At age 17, I was planning to go with this girl to a rock concert, and it was in new york city. Since I lived in the NJ suburbs then, and there was a direct train to manhattan, I suggested we take the train thereWhen my male friends found out they gave me crap for taking “public transportation” on a date. I didn’t have a car and didn’t feel like driving anyway, tolls, traffic, and nyc parking is horrible.We went via train but I just felt really uncomfortable the whole time.”Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe you haven’t, but either way, I know very few men who have actually gotten to the place where they don’t think of hot women as above them or out of their league…”I think thats more complex though. ‘out of my league’ what does it really mean? It means that the woman would’ve by that time been given many offers, and this particular one (namely me) is being compared against it – and comes up paltry. A woman’s “league” is her set of experiences. And once she has them,  she has them – they can’t be undone.Here’s a question – lets say at age 13 you went to another camp and found another boyfriend that didn’t give you all the skittles, rather split them. You already have the full skittle experience, you wouldn’t devalue the 2nd guy based on the relative difference?

    • ack! what happened to all the spacing??

      here’s what I said, nicely spaced out:

       A woman’s “league” is her set of experiences. And once she has them,  she has them – they can’t be undone.Here’s a question – lets say at age 13 you went to another camp and found another boyfriend that didn’t give you all the skittles, rather split them. You already have the full skittle experience, you wouldn’t devalue the 2nd guy based on the relative difference?

      • Anonymous says:

        HI Skwadim,

        Well, experiences can’t be undone, but the meaning you make of them certainly can be! Point is, most women have a “Skittles experience” and then need to un-learn it–this usually happens by encountering men who are generous, but not overly-eager just to please.

        • “but the meaning you make of them certainly can be”

          fair, goes back to the ol’ Chris rock joke, about what guys are really offering every time they do something nice.

          “-this usually happens by encountering men who are generous, but not overly-eager just to please.”
          ah, fair enough,  but this could be just 6 of one, half dozen of the other? it seems like such a relative measurement – I guess as with anything. One woman’s “generous” could be another woman’s “overly eager to please”

          • I’d like to weigh in :D

            There is a subtle quality found in authentic men, where they give Purely, Only, Singly from their own desire to flow value to another human being. They listen to their vision, to their heart, for every little thing. Every conversation, every date, every meeting, every ounce of time and presence is weighed as a gift, and directed properly — NOT because of any outside manipulation, solely from an internal compulsion.

            This is the magic quality of giving I believe Liz is referring to, and it always feels generous and appropriate, and never over-eager.

            I know because I’ve tried every kind of giving you can imagine, and this one is by far the most powerful.

            …And a Giving man, attracts a Receptive woman. ;) Rock on!

  2. Liz, great story

    I agree that girls when they’re little are much better in terms of equality fairness, unfortunately I have no desire to be the next Woody Allen. But I remember describing to my family, this fancy restaurant that my married friends went to, at over $300/plate, and my 10 yr old female cousin who was there listening said, “why spend that much on food when you can get the hashbrowns at dunkin donuts for a dollar?” We all laughed and I told her never to lose that line of thinking.I think a lot of the male behavior at that age comes from male on male pressure also. At age 17, I was planning to go with this girl to a rock concert, and it was in new york city. Since I lived in the NJ suburbs then, and there was a direct train to manhattan, I suggested we take the train thereWhen my male friends found out they gave me crap for taking “public transportation” on a date. I didn’t have a car and didn’t feel like driving anyway, tolls, traffic, and nyc parking is horrible.We went via train but I just felt really uncomfortable the whole time.”Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe you haven’t, but either way, I know very few men who have actually gotten to the place where they don’t think of hot women as above them or out of their league…”I think thats more complex though. ‘out of my league’ what does it really mean? It means that the woman would’ve by that time been given many offers, and this particular one (namely me) is being compared against it – and comes up paltry. A woman’s “league” is her set of experiences. And once she has them,  she has them – they can’t be undone.Here’s a question – lets say at age 13 you went to another camp and found another boyfriend that didn’t give you all the skittles, rather split them. You already have the full skittle experience, you wouldn’t devalue the 2nd guy based on the relative difference?

  3. Actually, Liz, what we normally hear is “women can get whatever they want just because they have boobs.”  Feel free to address that next.

    Kidding! Great post. Great material.

    Since it’s so widespread I think it must be biological. SOME of us are just “naturally” inclined to think of “hot” girls as Tiffany (the diamond type, not the stripper type… or maybe both).

    Thank you for helping us see through the curtain. You rock.

    AB

  4. Actually, Liz, what we normally hear is “women can get whatever they want just because they have boobs.”  Feel free to address that next.

    Kidding! Great post. Great material.

    Since it’s so widespread I think it must be biological. SOME of us are just “naturally” inclined to think of “hot” girls as Tiffany (the diamond type, not the stripper type… or maybe both).

    Thank you for helping us see through the curtain. You rock.

    AB

  5. Liz, again a fabulously insightful and compassionate blog subject. I can express that because, that young developing boy was me well into my adult life.  Even after leaving summer camps and after graduating from college, that inner eager little boy was still inside pulling the strings on an adult man who had a professional career and was dating grown up professional women.
    It was like the scene from the Wizard of Oz, and Toto pulls the curtain on the scary monster, it was a too eager to please little boy that was masquerading as a bigger than life bellowing illusion.
    As I am a work in progress, my direction has become being fully adequate as a human being and secondly as an amazing Man who has incredible gifts to give to Women.  When I present this authenticity to most women, the effect is amazingly different.
    Blessings,
    Conrad

  6. Liz, again a fabulously insightful and compassionate blog subject. I can express that because, that young developing boy was me well into my adult life.  Even after leaving summer camps and after graduating from college, that inner eager little boy was still inside pulling the strings on an adult man who had a professional career and was dating grown up professional women.
    It was like the scene from the Wizard of Oz, and Toto pulls the curtain on the scary monster, it was a too eager to please little boy that was masquerading as a bigger than life bellowing illusion.
    As I am a work in progress, my direction has become being fully adequate as a human being and secondly as an amazing Man who has incredible gifts to give to Women.  When I present this authenticity to most women, the effect is amazingly different.
    Blessings,
    Conrad

  7. Constantin says:

    Thank you, Liz, for this simple, nice and profound article!
    You deserve a whole bag of Skittles for it!
    Constantin

  8. Constantin says:

    Thank you, Liz, for this simple, nice and profound article!
    You deserve a whole bag of Skittles for it!
    Constantin

  9. I’d like to share my own story.

    When I was a teenager, I was Andy. I put the pussy on a pedestal for sure, and it was a horrible relationship.

    As I grew older and made bolder, rite-of-passage type moves, and honed my life purpose and path, I left those ways behind me
    But I was raised with incredible examples of generosity around me. So I entered another relationship, where the chick was super-used to ‘getting more than her fair share’, but THIS time, I gave out of my own wells of generosity, and my deep, deep belief that she would do wise things with my investment and gifts and value.

    Then I learned another lesson, no matter how strong my faith in another human being, it is still no guarantee that they will transform in front of me.

    So eventually, I had to stop the giving, because generosity squandered consistently is not a sustainable relationship.

    So after being burned once because I put hot women on a pedestal, and then burned again because I enjoy being a fountain-of-value type-of-guy but gave to one who squandered the gifts instead of growing them, I believe I’ve come to a very clear, very powerful understanding of giving/receiving, and masculine/feminine relationship dynamics.

    What you’ve taught here, I had to learn in some very, very … unpleasant ways. I’d like to encourage anyone reading to take this to heart. Learn from Liz’s words. Learn from my story. Learn the easiest way you can.
    Thanks for listening.

  10. Well I must chime in, the thing about being a genuine nice guy is that women think you are a pervert looking to get some pussy. Im a nice guy, I treat people the way I would want to be treated but women have been trained to think that if a man is nice to you; 1) he wants sex or 2) you can as a female scheem him out of all the money you can. This type of thinking is wrong but soo true. I use to be really nice either girls would act all wierd around me or try to walk all over me so I just leave all my nice guy shit to my real friends and male buddies. The one thing I dont understand is that women want a genuinely nice guy but treat them like shit im just baffled. Oh well….

  11. Great read. I find I have this problem with women, they seem to get me gifts that I cannot repay, not because I dont want to but because I cant afford it. Having a sugar momma is one of the greatest things ever. Sometimes it makes me feel obligated to stay in the relationship though. Guess this is probably more of a guy strategy lol.

    Cheers,

    Pimp C

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