The Thug vs. the Computer Geek

I’ve been hearing so much about how women pass up the good guys for thugs. Why isthat??? Actually, I was wondering that myself, because I’ve never been into thugs…until last weekend.

I had stopped by a hotel bar to grab a drink before dinner. In hotel bars you meet some interesting people, and sure enough, pretty soon I was chatting with two men.

One was a thug; I mean straight up ex-gangsta from the streets. The other was a clean-cut guy in town on an IT job: buttoned up plaid, khakis, and a belt.

Both of them liked me and both of them, in their own way, tried to show me that.

So here it is: I was way, way more attracted to the thug. Oh, I know, sweet girls aren’t supposed to feel that way. Mature, evolved women who’ve done work on themselves aren’t supposed to feel that way.

Well, look, I felt that way! And I’m sure you’d love to know why…

Now here’s where I preface the rest of this article by saying that I didn’t hook up with either of them. Feelings of excitement and attraction aside, I’m not about to actually try and form a mature, evolved relationship with a thug. And the computer geek, well, I didn’t hook up with him because I wasn’t attracted to him. At all.

So how can the clean-cut nice guy, the “computer geek,” be as exciting and sexy as the thug?

Hopefully my experience that night will shed some light on that for you…

The Thug sat down next to me, took one look at me and said, “Damn, you are sexy.” I realized I couldn’t remember the last night someone had been so unabashedly forward with me. Wow.

Sleazy? No, not this guy. He was leaning back, cool, commenting on what he felt about me. Not apologizing for his sexual interest in me. It felt amazingly refreshing to be noticed like that.

I talked to this guy for at least an hour and we never ran out of things to say. Now, remember when I told you I was from the ‘burbs? This guy grew up practically on the streets and yet, we had lots to talk about with each other.

For every experience we had, there was a common emotional thread that we shared–wanting to grow and create a better life, for example. He knew how to create that emotional connection that women really want.

Let me just emphasize this: the Thug told me about how he used to make a living shoplifting clothes and then reselling them.

“But I don’t do that no more. Now I’m a dishwasher at a bar down the street.”

Oh wow, I wanted this guy. What is wrong with me…I’m the evolved and enlightened inside woman and I was lusting after a criminal?!

In fact, the main reason I didn’t end up going anywhere with him was it occurred to me that he might steal my wallet. And it’s a nice wallet; it’s not only designer but has sentimental value.

So, the Thug leaves. Enter the Computer Geek, though I use the word “enter” loosely, since really, he’d been lurking at the bar the whole time, squeaking the occasional comment into my conversation with the Thug.

After the Thug left, the Computer Geek launched into a big complaint about the Thug.

“Geez, did you believe that guy? I mean, gosh, stop using the F-word so much. So anyway, what do you do?”

I found myself in a boring, job interview style conversation, which I only endure for as long as I do because he bought my next drink and now I feel bad just leaving him there.

I suspect he likes me, but he never makes a bold move to show that (not even a light touch on my shoulder or leg—of which I got plenty of from the Thug!).

I start to second guess his interest in me; maybe he’s just a nice guy making conversation?  Maybe I’m being presumptious in thinking he wants me when really, he’s not at all attracted to me? I check for a wedding band. His hand is empty. I have a hard time believing he’d buy me a drink if he’s single and just interested in a friendly chat. Not that it matters; there’s no spark here.

So let’s recap:

The Thug: dressed like a slob, bought me no drinks, a former criminal and now works minimum wage, and I’m completely lusting for him.

The Computer Geek: dressed nicely, bought me a drink, has an actual career, is smart, and I’m bored—he’s a nice guy but total friend zone material.

Ok, so, WTF???

Well, it’s my job as your inside woman to break down for you everything that the Thug did well so you can inspire that same kind of lust without committing any crimes.

1.  The Thug was confident and made no apologies for his sexual attraction towards me.

Now this doesn’t mean you have to walk up to a woman and be as forward as he was with me, but too many guys try to hide their intentions. The Geek’s ambiguous behavior got me to second guess his intentions, which triggered my own insecurities and made me feel awkward.

It’s very difficult to trick a woman into believing that you aren’t hitting on her. You’re better off directly, confidently approaching her with the attitude that yea, you think she’s cute and you want to get to know her better. This kind of confident, direct energy is a big turn on!

2.  The Thug understood that good conversation is about shared emotional experiences, not things in common.

Job interview style questioning keeps a person on auto-pilot. Boring. The way to get a woman engaged in conversation with you is to get engaged in conversation yourself. Share emotionally relevant experiences with her—REAL ones from your REAL life! She will connect with them even if she’s had a completely different life experience than you have.

3.  The Thug was exciting and different—and opposites attract.

It’s fair to say that one of the main reasons I was into the Thug was the mystery and intrigue. I grew up in an upscale suburban neighborhood. There’s something really exciting about someone who grew up with a completely different experience.

Well, opposites don’t have to be “girl with privileged upbringing” and “guy from the wrong side of the tracks.” This kind of attraction can be created from any kind of polarity, and one of the most effective polarities for sexual attraction is simply masculine and feminine. In other words, when you have enough masculinity, you will be opposite her femininity, and those opposites will attract.

So, even if you’re a “Computer Geek” by trade, if you are confident, masculine, and know how to create an emotional connection with a woman, you can inspire her lust for you!

Your Inside Woman,

Liz Leia

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    2. The Thug understood that good conversation is about shared emotional experiences, not things in common.
    Job interview style questioning keeps a person on auto-pilot. Boring. The way to get a woman engaged in conversation with you is to get engaged in conversation yourself. Share emotionally relevant experiences with her—REAL ones from your REAL life! She will connect with them even if she’s had a completely different life experience than you have.

    ^ Hey Liz, but wont sharing emotional experiences with a woman put you in the friend zone? Because you’re revealing too much, and shouldn’t you let them do the majority of the talking.

    • Anonymous says:

      No, definitely this won’t land you in the Friend Zone! This is a really
      common misconception that men shouldn’t share feelings or be vulnerable, but
      vulnerability and wussy-ness are not the same thing! 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hey Liz,

    I guess what i’m trying to get at is that it’s good to get involved in this conversation, but i guess my concern is revealing too much, too soon. Marni for example was talking about revealing too much to a women too soon is direct route to that friend zone because that’s what girls do, yall get together and see how many “me too” things you have in common. So i guess my question is, how do engage a female, and allow yourself to get into the conversation, but make sure you keep the mystery and intrigue about yourself?

    • Anonymous says:

      Doing something with a woman that she also does with her girl friends will not necessarily put you in the friend zone. The friend zone happens when you lack masculine sexual confidence. Sometimes over-sharing can be a symptom of that, but sharing itself is not what causes you to land in the friend zone.

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