What if she says ‘No’?

Recently I got an email from a reader who, after reading my post on how to be confidently aggressive (Why Women Love Edward from Twilight), asked the following question:

“How do you know when a woman is not receptive to your advances?”

Women love to feel a man’s sexual power and potential for aggression, but of course it’s never ok to force yourself onto or a woman or be pushy—so knowing how to *be* aggressive without actually being too aggressive towards a woman is important.

Luckily, this isn’t as complex as it might seem. While many women will be very subtle with their body language cues when they are attracted to you, most women will not bother with being flirtatiously subtle when they are NOT interested. Even men who believe that they are “bad at reading body language cues” would not miss the signs of a woman who is genuinely not interested. Even if she doesn’t flat out say, “No” or “I’m not interested,” a woman might give men she doesn’t like the cold shoulder, turn her back, and even walk away without warning.

However, she might not do this right away. If you are just making small talk with her, she might “be nice” and keep talking to you, even if she doesn’t want to. She might even let you touch her shoulder. But if she doesn’t want you, then there will be a line that she won’t cross—there will be a moment when she says NO or makes it clear that she’s not interested.

For example, if you go to kiss her and she pushes you away or turns her head away, that’s a clear no. Again, a woman’s “no,” even if it’s non-verbal, is going to be much more clear than her other body language cues, and they will be easy to notice and decipher.

No always means no. This is not up for debate.

Yes, there are women out there who will give “no” signals when they mean yes, but this is not as common as many PUAs like to think. Therefore if you want to ensure that you aren’t crossing the line between strong, sexy man and creepy rapist, take every “no” you get seriously.

There’s a sales principle: press for a “no.” Successful salespeople press their prospects for a no. They keep pitching their product or service until they get a yes or a no. If they get a no, they say, “Thanks for your time” and move on.

If you want to have the confident aggressive nature that attracts women without crossing the line, press for a no. Approach, tease, flirt, banter, converse, kino, go for the kiss—go for HER until she’s either yours…or she says no. If she says no, move on.

This, by the way, is why you need to resolve any fear of rejection you might have. You can’t press for a no if you’re afraid of hearing it.

So, a simple rule of thumb is this:

  • No means no

  • Yes means yes

  • Everything else means yes…until it’s a clear no.

When you press for a no, you are going to talk to more women and increase your chances of getting a yes, rather than wasting your time on a few women who aren’t going to be interested no matter what you do.

There are some PUA techniques that deal with turning a no into a yes. Some of them are successful and some of them aren’t; use them as you wish. I would encourage you to ask yourself, though, who would need such a technique?

The highest quest of ancient alchemy was to transform lead into gold. Who would need such a technique? Not a man who already has a lot of gold in his house. Techniques that transform a no into a yes are similar—men who already have an abundance of women who are eagerly saying “yes!” to them don’t bother with these techniques. If you want gold, go where the gold already exists.

If you are getting mostly no’s, then the issue is not how to *make* those women say yes, but to figure out what’s making them say no in the first place and resolve that so that you’ll start getting yes’s from now on.

Your Inside Woman,

Liz Leia

P.S. Louis C. K. sheds some additional hilarious light on the subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4hNaFkbZYU&feature=fvsr


  1. Liz, If a women is communicating a NO it could be a small no or Big no. Either way my experience has been about her level of trust and belief in my integrity and authenticity at first glance. And if she does have some NO’s its in response to my wavering unstable masculine presence. Its my own non owning of my moment to moment experience of my sexual interest for her, my confusion for her, maybe am I really interested in her as a potential gf or just as a fuck. If I commincate tons of NO’S or uncertaintites to her, she is going to respond in ways that protects herself.
    So its US guys that need to get it together.and women. but its a joint venture that we explore together.


  2. i love females so much am weak but if i find a person i really like i can b very into her and get hurt exspecally if sex is good

  3. I am a woman and personally…reading posts by a woman advising guys how to “get” women is creepy in itself!!!   Liz, are you a female chauvinist?  Your fantasies are probably about men in movies raping the “glam gal”….

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