When Should You Take Feedback From Your Woman?

A common theme of dating advice, especially pick-up advice, is that any “resistance” from a woman can be broken down, or broken through, so she eventually yields to the attraction she has for you–attraction that you, of course, “created.”

If you carry this belief, it can either empower you or wreck your game and strip away your masculinity, depending on how it makes you behave with women.

Some men, and especially some men who get into studying pickup, seduction, and social dynamics, become obsessed with finding the magic formula to unlock every woman’s…heart. 🙂

Go down this road too far and you will lose yourself and your own identity in the process.

Most pick up artists will tell you not to do whatever a woman wants, (don’t buy her a drink, don’t compliment her) but that’s exactly what ends up happening anyway if you are using tactics and maneuvers just to get her to like you. What separates the men from the boys is the ability to move on when a woman isn’t interested–without taking it personally. Sometimes it really does have nothing to do with you!

On the flip side, some men become so staunch in their efforts to be selective and masculine that they become inflexible and stubborn to change anything at all, even when it’s clear that their current way of being is turning off most (or all) women. This behavior might make you “grounded” and “more masculine” but it will probably leave you quite lonely, too.

There is a fine line between breaking down a woman’s walls, getting her to open up, and doing a whole circus act just to get her to like you when she doesn’t at first. The former is an integral part of being yang (masculine); the latter will drain your yang energy faster than you can say, “Yes, dear, whatever you like.”

Many of the men that I work with are confused about when to bend and when to hold firm to a boundary. Whether you are single or in a long-term relationship, the mechanics are the same. A woman you just met might tell you that you’re not her type; your girlfriend might criticize your behavior. Either way, you need to know when to change how you act and when to show her the door.

The key lies in the subtle difference between a change and an improvement. This is in the eye of the beholder–that means YOU, not her. Would changing your behavior improve yourself? If yes, then this is an opportunity for growth. If not, then don’t do it just to become more of what she wants.

The difference between a change and an improvement also holds true for taking advice–not all advice applies to you or your situation. All improvements are changes, but not all changes are improvements.

Think of it like this: let’s say you own a restaurant where you make pizza. If someone walked in and said, “Hey, I know you serve pizza, but that’s not really my type of food. I really want sushi. Could you make me some sushi?” (Hopefully) the answer would be no and you’d send her down the street to someone else who does have what she wants. But in dating, so many guys do the opposite— they do the equivalent of, “Ok, wait, yes, let me run to the store and get the ingredients and make you what you want. Whatever you do, don’t leave!”

If you do this, then that customer will probably feel uneasy because she knows you aren’t a *real* sushi chef. But she’s not the only one; the customers who wanted your pizza also don’t trust or respect you anymore because they can see that you aren’t a real pizza chef, either. That’s why a marketing rule of thumb is if you try to appeal to everyone, you end up appealing to no one–same is true in dating.

Even if you *know this already,* most guys still end up doing some form of this. The difference is that a clueless guy would say yes to the sushi request in the moment; a guy who has lost himself in the study of seduction would tell her no in the moment, but over time he would decide that “sushi is the way to attract customers, not this pizza I’ve been doing” and he would convert his entire shop into a sushi restaurant–no trace of his original pizza to be found.

Ok, now imagine that you still have your pizza restaurant intact, and someone walks in and tells you about a way to make your pizza crust more delicious. Does this improve your restaurant? If your goal is to make delicious pizza, yes. Then this suggestion is worth your time (assuming it works and the crust is, indeed, more delicious).

Yes, the customer appreciates the change you made, but the change wasn’t because she requested it. It was because you realized that her request would help you get more of what you want. It’s still your decision; it’s still your call to make.

This is the difference between personal development and changing your identity. When you develop yourself as a man, whether taking feedback from women or through the pursuit of information from books and coaches, ask yourself if it improves you.

Women have a great internal compass (a.k.a intuition) on where you can improve yourself and your life, especially if it’s a woman you’re dating. It’s worth listening to what she has to say, even if it’s not what you want to hear. Then you make the decision on whether or not it’s an improvement on who you are.

Comments

  1. “Ok, now imagine that you still have your pizza restaurant intact, and someone walks in and tells you about a way to make your pizza crust more delicious. Does this improve your restaurant? If your goal is to make delicious pizza, yes.”

    This is an awesome point, nice analogy and insight liz.

    “What separates the men from the boys is the ability to move on when a woman isn’t interested–without taking it personally.”

    How is this made known to the outside world though ? I just got rejected from a woman because I wasn’t from a specific part of the world she’s looking for her guys to be from (Of course, I think this is somewhat dubious, because thats an easily enough verifiable thing, so I think it’s got to be something more personal)

    But let’s say I force myself in the face of this evidence to “not take it personally” how is that communicated to the next girl ? Obviously I don’t introduce myself, “Hi, I’m , just to let you know I was rejected by the last 10 women I met, but I don’t take it personally, what’s your favorite color?”

    • Anonymous says:

      Well, you could always try that line and see if it works. 🙂

      There is a difference between noticing a pattern (10 women) and making
      changes based on what one woman says. And even then, it’s still a matter of
      making improvements to get the result you want.

    • Great stuff

  2. Wonderful insights

  3. Wonderful insights

  4. but how do you know the difference between her playing hard to get and not being interested?

    For example, last week i asked for a girls number and she gave it to me, while she asked me to ring her right there and then, then next day she didn’t talk much or reply back after 2 message, but added me on FB. Is she, doing it on purpose so that I will chase her?

    As at the moment, i feel I got feedback shes not interested and have given up already.

    In dating, i feel if shes not interested, move on. Can’t make her attracted to you if she wasn’t attracted in the first place.

    But is giving up to too early on a badthing? will she view me as weak, (for not being a man for not chasing her).

    • Anonymous says:

      If she is playing hard to get, then she is the kind of woman who thinks it’s
      a good idea to play games. Do you want to date a woman like that?

      Also, it’s not “manly” to chase a woman. There is a difference between
      chasing someone and pursuing them. When you pursue a woman, you are taking
      the initiative to ask her out. It’s up to her to respond with an equal
      amount of energy/enthusiasm about going on the date. Chasing implies someone
      is running away: If she is luke warm, aloof, cold, or unresponsive, then let
      her go.

  5. I see that all your posts are directed to singles, i wish you consider married couples in your posts. i.e, what if the women i want to gain her trust and attention is my wife?

    • Anonymous says:

      X2ram,

      Thanks for the comment! While most of the articles are written about being
      single, the same principles about what women want can be applied to a long
      term relationship and marriage.

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